Brother Lawrence

I've found that I read The Practice of the Presence of God much like I read C.S. Lewis books. I find my brain wandering again and again, and over and over again I must read and re-read what seems like the same sentence until finally, I think I am grasping the point. Ug. It's difficult work. But I've found it well worth it and rewarding. I like that my brain has to think harder. I like that I'm not being told exactly what it means apart from the few sentences at the beginning of each conversation or letter. It means that I must seek God and connect with Him to decipher the message He has in it for me. Almost each paragraph begins with "That…" which threw me off at first. But after awhile I went back and chose sentences that stood out to me from the second conversation and jotted down my thoughts on them.

"That he had always been governed by love, without selfish views; and that having resolved to make the love of GOD the end of all his actions.."

This statement reminds and challenges me to drop all (absolutely all) prejudices, judgments and preconceived notions about people and to simply LOVE first and foremost. Leaving all else behind. Leaving my own thoughts aside. It's way too easy to judge people upon first glance. This is another reminder to me to pray for God's help in showing His PERFECT love to people. Not my fake love, albeit sometimes well intentioned. Other times I must admit, not well intentioned at all.

"So, likewise, in his business in the kitchen (to which he had naturally a great aversion), having accustomed himself to do everything there for the love of GOD, and with prayer, upon all occasions, for His grace to do his work well, he had found everything easy, during the fifteen years that he had been employed there."

That which I absolutely LOVE to do, I get to call my job. To be creative, and design, and use the gifts God has given me AND get paid to do it, is an incredible blessing! There are times however, I find myself complaining at parts of my job that aren't as pleasant. Don't we all? This is a true wake up call for me. If a person can remain at peace and actually call a job they abhore "easy" then what place do I have complaining about parts of my job that are unpleasant when I LOVE what I do?

"That he expected after the pleasant days GOD had given him, he should have his turn of pain and suffering; but that he was not uneasy about it, knowing very well, that as he could do nothing of himself; GOD would not fail to give him the strength to bear them."

A couple things come to mind when I read this.

The first: I don't know why, but when good things happen in my life, somewhere in the back of my mind my brain thinks exactly like this. "Good is happening now, but pain is to come later." Whether or not that will be true at some point or not, I don't believe this thought comes from God. Furthermore, I believe it pains Him when I cannot just truly appreciate, grasp and accept the good things He's sent my way.

The second thought that comes my way is the last part of the quote. "GOD would not fail to give him the strength to bear them." This sentence urks me just a bit. Not because it isn't true. I believe it is. But because of how well-intentioned people have used it to console friends who are going thru tough times. I really prefer the way Bethany Hamilton put it when asked why God would allow her arm to be taken by a shark. "God knows what he and I can handle together…" I LOVE IT! It's not about what God is putting me through. Or poor me. Rather, we're a team! God knows what we can do together. God knows I can't do anything without Him. He provides the strength. But not to withstand the heavy burden He's placing on me. It's that He knows what we can do TOGETHER! Not of my strength, but His, if only I am a willing participant in His Story.

People Of Possibility

In light of Osama Bin Laden's death. I found this video inspiring.

them

Gen. 1:26   Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

i love that. "them" and "us" and "our" and "them." you know my pastor mentioned in his talk the other day that he really has no idea why God likes to speak of himself in the masculine form. but what he does know is that God created them. "male and female he created them." he said, he knows that somehow there are two sides of God's nature, per say that male and female were created from.

i love the imagery this brings to my mind. i can't describe it. just awesome. both with a purpose. both with unique things to contribute that the other might not even get close to achieving on their own. something that would be and is unachievable unless we do it together.... together. wow. what a masterpiece. (and when I say together. i'm not envisioning a marriage relationship although i do think that is a masterpiece too.) but together "let them rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." this isn't hypothetical. this is clear. together. we were created and designed to work and much more be together. relating to each other. not fighting each other. i truly don't believe that God ever intended, wanted or wished for women to struggle to be heard and respected. it just makes me sad. the constant struggle.

and the church's typical response to it makes me even more sad. there are so many churches out there that simply get it all wrong. and i've seen the damaging effects of it. and even experienced some of them personally. this isn't how it's supposed to be. these churches remind me how thankful i am to be involved in a church that uses and believes in and acts upon the words "them" and "us" and "our" and "them."

honestly

i could listen to this song over and over again for forever and a day and not get tired of it. i've loved it since the moment i heard it the first time way back when... some may say it's depressing. to me - it's a declaration. a declaration that no matter what's going on, i make a choice everyday who i want to be. i make a choice to be who He wants me to be. who He designed me to be. despite everything. despite the fact that everyone else has deserted. despite the fact that i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in this life. i make a choice to follow and trust the One who put me here. the One who sees me. all of me. wholly me. and tells me everyday that He won't give up on me. i will believe. i choose to believe this is true.

thank you sarah for finding it for me again. i needed this.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

my theme song

when you read these lyrics you must listen to the song at the same time. go here to download the song for free.... then listen while reading.

Oh my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
Cause at times in life you'll need a helping hand

Oh my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To Keep you calm, keep you safe away from harm

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with the light to set you free

Oh my baby, when you're dyin'
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
~Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Psalm 40:5 (NIV) (emphasis added)

ezer

ezer. a definition of woman i can agree on. finally.

"And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and conquer it, and hold sway over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the heavens and every beast that crawls upon the earth.' (Gen. 1:26-28 Alter)"~Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

this is the only redeeming section in this book. the rest, in my opinion, is mostly crap. i'm having a hard time even finishing the book. however, i do like their definition of woman and what she was created for....

"Call it the Human Mission-to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice-the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth-all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture-we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]' (Gen. 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.' The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat...disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him"

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

'Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sward.' (Deut. 33:26,29, emphasis added)

'I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.' (Ps. 121:1-2, ephasis added)

'May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help.' (Ps. 20:1-2, emphasis added)

'We wait in hope for the LORD, he is our help and our shield.' (Ps. 33:20, emphasis added)

'O house of Israel, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD-he is ther help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.'
(Ps. 115:9-11, emphasis added)

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you . . . you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life. Ask Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Deborah, Esther-any of the friends of God from the Old Testament. God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger.

Picture the character Arwen in the mythic motion-picture trilogy, The Lord of the Rings. Arwen is a princess, a beautiful and brave elf maiden. She comes into the story in the nick of time to rescue the little hobbit Frodo just as the poisoned wound moving toward his heart is about to claim him.

ARWEN: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for two days. There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

ARAGORN: Stay with the hobbits. I'll send horses for you.

ARWEN: I'm the faster rider. I'll take him.

ARAGORN: The road is too dangerous.

ARWEN: I do not fear them.

ARAGORN: (relinquishing to her, he takes her hand.) Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back.

It is she, not the warrior Aragorn, who rides with glory and speed. She is Frodo's only hope. She is the one entrusted with his life and with him, the future of all Middle Earth. She is his ezer kenegdo.

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.

[...]

What we said was, first, that Eve is the crown of creation. There is something uniquely magnificent and powerful about a woman. We tried to reveal the immeasurable dignity, the holiness of your feminine heart by showing that it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too.

There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs.

deep breath in....deep breath out.

how refreshing to hear that woman was not simply an after thought. how refreshing to hear of woman as the "image bearer" of God. how refreshing and validating to hear my heart's desires are also God's desires. how refreshing to hear that woman bears the "other side" if you will of God's heart. so wonderful to hear the words "woman" and "powerful" together in the same sentence without negativity associated with it.

this definition of woman as ezer is so very empowering. the imagery that it creates in my mind is absolutely amazing. think of it this way. man was created to bear the image of "one side" of God's heart and woman was created to bear the image of the "other side" of God's heart. how beautiful is that? i can't quite fully wrap my mind or imagination around it. just wow!

doesn't this definition just feel right? and doesn't it just make sense?

underwhelmed

well, i have to say. i have mixed reviews so far on this book. and ya, i'm bummed. i'm over half-way finished with it and although there are passages in it that really resonate with me....a large part of the book does not. i feel like i can find deep and meaningful quotes from it....but nothing really life changing. but really, why was i looking to a "christian" book for the meaning of woman when His word is right here at my fingertips to explore. maybe i was trying to take the easy way out. who knows. but i'm bummed by it. the introduction had me hooked. but i don't feel like the introduction was even close to an accurate preview into what the book would be about. on the contrary, i felt even more stereotyped and categorized than before! i was planning on reading the first book John wrote, "Wild At Heart" which is for men, but now i'm not so sure. maybe i'll still read it but after this read, i'm a little skeptical about what i will find in that book. for instance, all of chapter 5 basically says that the reason for all of the mistreatment of women over the centuries and over all of time was because satan has a "special hatred" for women.

quote:

"The assault on femininity-it's long history, its utter viciousness-cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. This is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity."

and the following are some of the reasons they use to back up this claim:

quote:

"Turn your attention again to the events that took place in the Garden of Eden. Notice-who does the Evil One go after? Who does Satan single out for his move against the human race? He could have chosen Adam...but he didn't. Satan went after Eve. He set his sights on her. Have you ever wondered why? It might have been that he, like any predator, chose what he believed to be the weaker of the two."

ok, we get it - satan chose women because we're the weaker of the two.....how many times have we heard that? or at least something very similar...but it gets worse...

quote:

"Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art. But most especially, he hates Eve. Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. [...] He hates it with a jealousy we can only imagine..."

it's almost too much....i almost can't believe what I'm reading....but there's more...

quote:

The Evil One also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth, not men. Women nourish life. And they also bring life into the world soulfully, relationally, spiritually - in everything they touch. Satan was a murderer from the beginning (John 8:44). He brings death. His is a kingdom of death. Ritual sacrifices, genocide, the Holocaust, abortion - those are his ideas. And thus Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. [...] Put those two things together - that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan's bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this.

whoa, hold up a bit. ok, now, it seems logical to me that satan may have a hand in the mistreatment of women but i think it's a mistake to credit him for all of it. i believe there are three reasons. 1 our sinful natures after the fall - we are all broken, 2 personal choices of mankind's free will and 3 satan. i do not however, believe that satan has a "special hatred" for women. you just can't walk around saying and believing that all the bad things that happen in the world are satan's doing! because it's then that you're forgetting that you have free will. you, make your own decisions. not anyone else.

the very first quote above is the only time this book mentions anything about individuals being held accountable for their own actions. i'm up to chapter 9 now and every idea after chapter 5 build on the idea - the belief, that satan has a "special hatred" for women. i'm not buying it and there's no Scripture to back it up.

however, despite my objections to the majority of this book, there are a few parts that i feel there is some truth in. below is a quote where John is writing.

quote:

"What is this thing in me-and in most men-that just doesn’t want to go deep into a woman’s world? You are too much. Too hard. It’s too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn’t that just the message you’ve lived with all your life as a woman? “You’re too much, and not enough. You’re just not worth the effort.” (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of détente, a cordial agreement to live only so close. The effect is that most women feel alone."

now, although i'm not so sure about the part about "man's deepest fear" being failure (i'd have to ask a guy) but the part in that quote that resonates with me is the fact that i do feel like “too much, and not enough.” but why? why do i feel like this? although he goes on to say, “some of this is simply selfishness on the part of men. Lord knows men are selfish and self-centered.” ok, ya, i guess but i also think that statement is kindov an unfair and negative sterotype of men too…this is where i get stuck again with the book. he says, “But there is something else.” and that “something else” again, ends up being that “The Enemy bears a special hatred for Eve.” and that is why men supposedly get that feeling of “back off-stay away” when given the opportunity to delve into the soul of a woman.

i’m just not buying it…again. i don’t believe it’s that simple. Relationships aren’t that simple. and for pete’s sake, you’re writing a book about women, and saying that we’re complicated

quote from John:

“To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay-bloody mess) of a woman’s soul.”

yet your answers are so very simple? it’s all satan’s fault? i don’t think so. by the way, why is he calling a woman’s soul a “bloody mess”? i find that insulting. my soul isn’t a “bloody mess”. well, not any more of a mess than any man’s soul is. i mean, come on, seriously! and even if it were true that every woman’s soul was a “bloody mess” why would you say that in a book you’re writing to/for women!?!? dumb guy.

all in all. i think i've learned a good lesson. never look to a "christian" book or any other book but the Bible, to answer as deep a question as what it means to be a woman. and never, ever, read another book for women, written by a man. (aside from God of course.)

healed anyway

as i was going through an old box i found a book, inside i found these doodles. immediately i was reminded of the group i read the book with and quickly recalled what a difficult time i was having at that point in my life...
..."difficult" in a painful, yet very beneficial way. like having a cut re-opened and washed out so that it can heal; this time so that it has a better chance at healing without infection.....



it's funny; looking at these two doodles, i immediately thought "oh look, one of these doodles looks angry and the other looks resolved and more 'happy.' i must have been a mess before and never noticed it, yet it came out in my doodles..." it was almost a "proof is in the puding" kind of thing for a moment......and then i looked at the dates. the one that appeared to be angry was drawn after the one that seemed to be 'happy.'i was happy and then i became angry? if in fact my doodling was me responding to something going on inside myself, then given the actual dates of the drawings........what did that mean? I pondered this for a moment....

then i remembered a few traits of my personality that trip me up at times. 1) i put up walls 2) i wear masks and 3) i'm forgetful about even myself...about who i really am.........then it dawned on me; the seemingly 'happy' drawing was representative of my attitude before the difficult task of examining myself started (mask and all) and the seemingly 'angry' drawing was representative of my inside unwillingness to do so during the process...

re-opening wounds is never a 'walk in the park.' nevertheless it must happen in order to find healing...these two songs are ones that communicate this to me. i play them often to remind myself of God's plan for me despite all the other competing messages thrown at me...including the ones i throw myself...

....we are a work of art and He is the ultimate restoration artist...

"Anyway"
Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

But You called me beautiful
When You saw my shame
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness You meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But You called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway
~Nichole Nordeman
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

...what God has for us is far greater than anything we could ever imagine...

"Healed"
We stutter and we stammer til You say us
A symphony of chaos til You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
Til You read us into poetry and prose

We are kept and we are captive til You free us
Vaguely unimagined til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided til You lead us home

By Your voice, we speak
By Your strength, no longer weak
We are no longer weak

By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until You claim us
Orphaned and abandoned til You name us
Hidden and disclosed til You expose our hearts

By Your death we live
It is by Your gift that we might give
That we might give

By Your wounds we are healed
(Tell me what kind of love is this...)
By Your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your shame
And spill His blood for you
And save us by His wounds?

By Your wounds we are healed
(Tell me what kind of love is this...)
By Your wounds we are healed
~Nichole Nordeman
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

desperation

This song, although written about a dating relationship and not something I've experienced directly, means a lot of different things to me...

If you can, buy the song and listen to it. Maria Mena sings with such emotion that you're transported immediately into another world. A very sad, desperate world. A world that in some form we've all experienced at some time or another. Maybe not in a relationship with a boyfriend like Maria, but maybe in other relationships. At least I know I have....

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

I've done this before....where I'll take a chance; I'll pour my heart out to someone. Not quite sure if I should. Never quite sure that I've not just made a fool of myself and wondering if I'm the only one on the planet that feels this way. I really must be crazy....and then you jump, you pour it out anyway. Hoping upon hope for the person really to hear you....and then it happens. The person listens but doesn't hear you and your words fall on deaf ears.....it's a terrible feeling. Being open and vulnerable and then having either your feelings trampled on, minimized or any other multitude of responses other than....being really heard and understood. Identified with. Validated.

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

But then again, no matter how hard the drop of your last experience, you try again. Maybe with the same person, maybe with someone else, someone new. Doesn't really matter, you're trying again and you feel stupid again for exposing your feelings and your confused as to why you can't connect.....It's like this incessant need to connect, to feel whole, to have someone validate you and make you whole.

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

It's quite a mystery to me why I try and change for people. I really do. Of course I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I'm a chameleon.

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

Why is it that people need to feel validated by other people in order to feel complete, whole and a normal person? I love Don Miller's explanation of it in his book "Searching for God Knows What." Chapter 7 entitled "Adam, Eve, and the Alien: How the Fall Makes You Feel," really sheds light on this for me. Actually the entire books speaks on this issue.

I don't know why but it was such a big deal for me when I realized that the desperation we feel, particularly for me in regards to this song, is due to The Fall in the Garden of Eden. It's due to our separation from God. It's a hole that only God can fill. He made us to be relational people.....that is why we crave human connection, understanding, validation. That's why we are desperate to change when we don't "fit in." Because we feel we need to be connected. God created other people partly for this reason but he also had more for us. This "more" was a relationship with Him. We will never be truly whole with the validation of others. It means nothing. It's the validation of Christ that will make us whole. A relationship with Christ.

The desperation that speaks to me so much in this song is a byproduct of my broken self...separated from God.

not perfect; but free

This is how I felt growing up.....

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect
Alanis Morissette

But this is how I choose to feel now that I've learned to trust Him in everything.....he has a plan and it doesn't matter if I know what it is or not. There is a reason for everything and there is freedom in that. I'm "Free from worry, free from envy and denial, free to live, free to give and free to smile." There is incredible freedom to be had when you learn that your experiences in life don't have to get you down and this song is a testament of that fact for me. I play it whenever I need encouragement.

Turning molehills into mountains
Making big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they’re burdens
This is how it’s been

Fear of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can’t do too well
Afraid I’ll try real hard, and I’ll fail
This is how it’s been

Till the day you pounded on my heart’s door
And you shouted joyfully
“You’re not a slave anymore.”

You’re free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you’re free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to me
And you’re free to love
Cause I’ve given you my love and it’s made you free
I have set you free

My mind finds hard to believe
That you'd become humanity
And change the course of history
Because you loved me so
And my heart cannot understand
Why you’d accept me as I am
But you say you’ve always had a plan
And that’s all I need to know
So when I am consumed by what the world will say
It’s then you’re singing to me
As you remove my chains

Free from worry
Free from envy and denial
Free to live
Free to give
Free to smile
Ginny Owens

dna

so...as I was sitting in my human genetics class this morning, i found something that was worth pondering.......something that made sence(sp) to me. (i got an "A" in Engl 101 AND 102, i swear!) i think i have A.D.D...
ANYWAY! ....

what caught my attention in class was the way my teacher was explaining DNA replication. a brief overview into the process of DNA replication is that RNA, which are copies of DNA sequences, are used to copy DNA sequences in order to create new DNA structures. yes, it sounds complicated but actually you wouldn't know it given the teaching style my teacher uses to explain it. his style is what caught my attention and initiated this post.

while explaining the replication process that RNA uses, he used an analogy:
"The genetic language used to replicate DNA is very similar to the english language used to communicate information."

i was hooked. my curiosity was peaked and wouldn't you know it, i was actually anxious to learn for once, which is suprising, given that i can't stand school any longer and i just want to be done, finished, bye-bye, no school, no homework....

as i was saying....the point of all that was....i was hooked.

my teacher then preceeded to point out a few things in the genetic replication "language" that had similarities to the english language. for example, in the english language capital letters denote the beginning of a sentence, (i'm trying to be a rebell at this point in my life or i'm trying to be cool, who knows but i'm obviously defying that rule!)........[A.D.D]......periods denote the end of a sentence, letters make up words and certain combinations and numbers of letters make up specific words.

this is also true with the genetic language of DNA replication that happens with RNA. (constant reiteration of what i'm learning helps to store the information in my brain's permanent storage facility. :) )

it just so happens that in the genetic language, the "AUG" combination (in that order) is what acts as the capital letter, a sequence of 100-150 adenines is what acts as the period, and the only words in the genetic language are three letter words. (man, that's one brutal language!) also, the genetic language is "read" from left to right, always going from 5' to 3'. (this means nothing to most of you unless you've taken genetics but again, reiteration is good for me.)

so, in getting to my main point.....the question i found myself asking was, "why is it so easy for me to understand human genetics, yet i cannot understand chemistry for the life of me!??" i've failed chemistry twice. i do not get it. my brain is protesting the learning of chemistry.

after pondering that question, i decided it was because my genetics teacher understands and uses the power of analogy. now, i realize that there are some people who can learn without analogies, but EVERYONE nevertheless, can understand analogy. at least it would seem like everyone could, if the right analogy was used.

then it hit me. Jesus used a TON of analogies when he was teaching. it just dawned on me that Jesus was using a teaching strategy that would/could relate to EVERYONE......not just those who could learn simply through reading/hearing it. in the use of analogies, the topic that i'm trying to learn is put in tangible form for me to absorb it's meaning.

then i wondered if it might have been a little harder for the teachers of The Law to understand what Jesus was trying to teach them because they ONLY knew how to learn through reading. they spent ALL their time focusing on The Law, it wasn't understood by them in a tangible form for them to absorb it's deeper meaning.

i think Jesus struggled to communicate to everyone in a tangible way, but for those who ONLY understood and learned through reading and who didn't understand analogies, were somewhat at a loss to understand fully what Jesus was trying to communicate. i think this is why Jesus tried to make it especially clear to the teachers of The Law NOT to focus ONLY on the laws but to focus on the relationship because THAT is where the deeper meaning comes into play. THAT is where God calls us to follow Him....and THAT is what God calls us to DO.....have a relationship with Him. get to know Him on a deeper level....that there is a deeper meaning to it all.

on a personal note (as if that wasn't personal enough) i've been feeling guilty lately about not spending enough time reading the Bible and spending a quiet time with God.....but, i feel like this epiphany today was God trying to communicate to me. trying to tell me that i shouldn't be feeling guilty about not spending time in the word but that i should feel compelled on a deeper level to absorb Him and to use the Bible as a resource, just like I would a textbook. i also feel like He's telling me that the Bible is not the only place he can speak to me. this class epiphany was a classic example of the many ways He can speak.

that said. i'm starving and need to go eat since i've skipped lunch to write this post. i'm A.D.D. so i needed to write it all out before i forgot or lost motivation! :) over-n-out