Articulate Me

let's talk about poop

2011-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Our main reason for deciding to do cloth diapers for Liam was cost. After I moved from full time to part time at work, we needed to cut expenses, find more ways to stretch our money and to save more. Hence, I began researching cloth diapering. There are many things I never imagined I would do/say/try before becoming a parent. But that is for another post. Cloth diapering was certainly on that list, if not at the very top. Previous to having a child, I even mocked/half-judged my best friend for giving it a shot. Now I wish I had been more supportive, since she did not continue with cloth diapering after a short go of it. Many of my friends now use cloth diapers on their children and many other friends of mine have asked about it. So below I've outlined our system and noted things I've learned along the way.

Cost:
Nate and I estimate, by the time Liam is out of diapers (sometime around 3 years or before), we'll have saved roughly $1,940. That might not seem like a ton over 3 years, and I'm sure some would gladly pay that amount for the sake of convenience. However, on a weekly basis, that puts $15 back in our budget. With all the other expenses having an infant incurs, $15 back into our wallet each week was very welcome and needed!

Names/Acronyms:
It amazed me how overwhelmed I got just beginning my search online. I felt like it was a special club. Finally I was able to find them all listed out for me. I also put some of the terms in acronyms in parenthesis throughout this post.

Types:
There are many different types of cloth diapering (CD) systems out there. The one that's right for you depends solely on your lifestyle and preferences. I found this site very helpful in explaining the positives and negatives of the most common diapering systems.

Initial Stash:

For our initial stash, after purchasing a few other brands and experimenting with those, we chose Best Bottom Diapers from Nicki's Diapers online. We found this system the fastest, easiest and most convenient and purchased 10 covers and 24 liners. This quantity means we wash diapers about every 2 days or less. (We also tried The Flip by Cotton Babies and one diaper from GroVia.)

Reason #1: Overnight Leaks.
Since Liam pees like a horse at night, we needed something that wouldn't leak. Even disposables couldn't contain his peeing overnight. Best Bottom never leaked. Not even overnight. Some people only cloth diaper during the day and switch to a disposable (sposie) for night time because of the leaking problem. But we never had that problem once we tried Best Bottom.

Reason #2: Drying Time.
Although an all in one diaper would seem to be the obvious first choice for convenience, the fact that they were harder to get clean and the drying time was longer, was a drawback for us. We wanted something quick and easy, especially since we decided we were gonna wash/dry them at home so we didn't have to pay for a diaper service.

Reason #3: Reusable Cover
We very much liked the idea that all we needed to do was wipe out a used (with pee) cover with a wet wipe, snap in a new insert and go! This meant less laundry as often and also meant the covers would last longer because they would not wear down as fast due to many cycles in the washing machine. The cover is also very thin and lightweight which means it air dries in hours!

Reason #4: One Size Cover (OS)
Many of the diapering systems we researched were pre-fit. Which means you have to buy the size diaper your baby is at. Then when they grow out, you have to buy the next size up, etc. One size covers fit your baby from infancy thru potty training. This helped us save money.

Reason #5: Diaper Inserts
The Best Bottom system requires that you buy three different sized, snap-in inserts depending on your baby's size. Although this was a slight draw-back at first for us because it meant spending more money each time Liam grew to the next size, it also meant the diapers could remain very trim and small. (Many other diapering systems leave baby's with the biggest bum ever! This is also the reason we did not go with The Flip. Flip diapers do not taper in like Best Bottom diapers do.) Another reason it was only a small drawback is because there are only 3 sizes max we'd need to buy. In addition, we loved that the inserts snap into the cover. After trying The Flip (cloth insert doesn't snap into the waterproof cover liner), and with all the energy Liam has, we were sure all that movement would cause some problems. In the least we thought it would be more difficult at diaper changes when he became really squirmy. Which we found out later, we were glad we chose Best Bottom for the snap-in for that very reason!!

Reason #6: Cover with extra gusset
Time and time again, the extra gusset has prevented a major blow out!

Accessories:
There are many cloth diapering accessories that help to make the whole cloth diapering process a bit easier. We use the following…

- 2 Diaper Pail Liners (for soiled diapers at home)
There are two options for storing soiled diapers at home until you're ready to wash them. Putting them in a dry diaper pail or soaking them in a wet diaper pail. We use the dry diaper pail option because Liam's room is upstairs and again, it was easier and more convenient than dragging a pail of water up and down the stairs all the time. I haven't researched the wet pail method, so I can't talk knowledgeably about it. However, with the dry pail, all we did was get a foot pedal garbage can from Target at the appropriate height and lined it with a diaper pail liner. We got two so that we could use one, while the other was in the wash. It washes along with the diapers, then air dries with the covers. You don't want to put it in the dryer because the waterproof lining will melt (same with the diaper covers).

- 2 Medium Size Wet Bags (for soiled diapers on the go)
These are great for on the go. Again, one for the wash and one for the diaper bag. Medium seems to be perfect for an all-day outing.

- Rock In Green Detergent
Cloth diapers must be washed with detergent that is free of ALL additives. Otherwise, the brighteners/additives, etc. stick to the cloth diaper and over time the absorbency decreases. We get Rock In Green locally from the new Cotton Babies store here in Vancouver. I am addicted to that store!

- Disposable/Flushable Diaper Liners
In the beginning when you're solely breast feeding or formula feeding your baby, their poos are completely water soluable and there's no need to rinse the diapers before washing them. However, once you start introducing solid foods, then you get (you guessed it) solid poos! Or at least more solid than before and usually more sticky. This is where either flushable liners and/or a diaper sprayer (attached to the toilet) come in handy. We have yet to buy a diaper sprayer but it's on my list. The liners I linked above (Bummis) are the brand I prefer because they are really soft. I tried Imsi Vimsi first but they were just too scratchy for Liam's sensitive skin (he got that from his dad). Diaper liners are nice because all I need to do is dump the poo with the liner in the toilet and flush. If the liner weren't there, it would stick to the diaper and I'd need to dunk it in the toilet multiple times to get the tough stuff off the diaper before running it through the wash. Dunking is no fun!! Hence, we use the liners. Recently we've decided to buy a sprayer also, for those extra messy ones where the liners don't catch the whole mess.

Reusable Cloth Wipes:

You don't have to use cloth wipes if you decide to cloth diaper your child(ren). I am currently using disposable wipes. However, I do own enough cloth wipes to solely use cloth wipes. There are a couple of reasons why cloth wipes are handy. The biggest incentive to me, is the ease of using them when on the go away from home. I know that sounds opposite what you might think at first. But think about it, when changing a diaper, what's the first thing you do with the wipe once you've used it? Yep, you put it inside the disposable, wrap it up and toss it. Many a time I've found disposable wipes in my dryer because of it. Instead of trying to break that habit and dealing with having to sort your wipes from your cloth diapers (which is what I'm doing now), why not put them all in the same place and wash them all together? It's also easier on the go when you aren't changing your child right next to a toilet and/or garbage can. Wether it's easier or not also depends on wether your child is eating solids or not. You'll need a toilet to dispose of the solids if so. If your baby is exclusively breastfed (EBF) however, you don't need a nearby toilet.

So then why, you ask, am I not using cloth wipes? Well, when we first started cloth diapering Liam at around 4 months, we also decided to try out cloth wipes for the reasons I wrote about above. Unfortunately, I tried a cloth wipes solution that didn't bode well with Liam's skin and he got a rash. He's like his daddy and has very sensitive skin. We took a break from cloth wipes until his rash cleared up. When we decided to try cloth wipes again however, Liam was 6 months and by then we had started introducing solid foods into his diet. This is when his diaper rash really started acting up again, as a result of the foods he was eating. We didn't want to try cloth wipes again until that was all clear, and now just have yet to try it again. When we do, I'm not going to use a cloth wipes solution at all, and instead I'm just gonna try using water only.

In the end, we are very satisfied and impressed by our cloth diapering system. Yes, it's a little messy at times. But if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that no matter what, when dealing with babies, you're bound to get peed and/or pooped on at some point anyway. It's really not all that bad (another thing I never thought I'd say).

P.S. Even if you're using disposables you're still supposed to dump the poo in the toilet before tossing the diaper in the garbage.

Brother Lawrence

2011-06-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

I've found that I read The Practice of the Presence of God much like I read C.S. Lewis books. I find my brain wandering again and again, and over and over again I must read and re-read what seems like the same sentence until finally, I think I am grasping the point. Ug. It's difficult work. But I've found it well worth it and rewarding. I like that my brain has to think harder. I like that I'm not being told exactly what it means apart from the few sentences at the beginning of each conversation or letter. It means that I must seek God and connect with Him to decipher the message He has in it for me. Almost each paragraph begins with "That…" which threw me off at first. But after awhile I went back and chose sentences that stood out to me from the second conversation and jotted down my thoughts on them.

"That he had always been governed by love, without selfish views; and that having resolved to make the love of GOD the end of all his actions.."

This statement reminds and challenges me to drop all (absolutely all) prejudices, judgments and preconceived notions about people and to simply LOVE first and foremost. Leaving all else behind. Leaving my own thoughts aside. It's way too easy to judge people upon first glance. This is another reminder to me to pray for God's help in showing His PERFECT love to people. Not my fake love, albeit sometimes well intentioned. Other times I must admit, not well intentioned at all.

"So, likewise, in his business in the kitchen (to which he had naturally a great aversion), having accustomed himself to do everything there for the love of GOD, and with prayer, upon all occasions, for His grace to do his work well, he had found everything easy, during the fifteen years that he had been employed there."

That which I absolutely LOVE to do, I get to call my job. To be creative, and design, and use the gifts God has given me AND get paid to do it, is an incredible blessing! There are times however, I find myself complaining at parts of my job that aren't as pleasant. Don't we all? This is a true wake up call for me. If a person can remain at peace and actually call a job they abhore "easy" then what place do I have complaining about parts of my job that are unpleasant when I LOVE what I do?

"That he expected after the pleasant days GOD had given him, he should have his turn of pain and suffering; but that he was not uneasy about it, knowing very well, that as he could do nothing of himself; GOD would not fail to give him the strength to bear them."

A couple things come to mind when I read this.

The first: I don't know why, but when good things happen in my life, somewhere in the back of my mind my brain thinks exactly like this. "Good is happening now, but pain is to come later." Whether or not that will be true at some point or not, I don't believe this thought comes from God. Furthermore, I believe it pains Him when I cannot just truly appreciate, grasp and accept the good things He's sent my way.

The second thought that comes my way is the last part of the quote. "GOD would not fail to give him the strength to bear them." This sentence urks me just a bit. Not because it isn't true. I believe it is. But because of how well-intentioned people have used it to console friends who are going thru tough times. I really prefer the way Bethany Hamilton put it when asked why God would allow her arm to be taken by a shark. "God knows what he and I can handle together…" I LOVE IT! It's not about what God is putting me through. Or poor me. Rather, we're a team! God knows what we can do together. God knows I can't do anything without Him. He provides the strength. But not to withstand the heavy burden He's placing on me. It's that He knows what we can do TOGETHER! Not of my strength, but His, if only I am a willing participant in His Story.

People Of Possibility

2011-05-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

In light of Osama Bin Laden's death. I found this video inspiring.

frenzy

2009-04-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

i found this artist recently through pandora and found myself thumbing up every song of hers that came up, so i bought her album last night.

i really like the sound of her "ashes and wine" song so as i always do, i listened closer to the lyrics. i can identify with this section from the song.

all the same,
i don’t want mud-slinging games
it’s just a shame
to let you walk away
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
a fine frenzy
one cell in the sea
listen to a clip from itunes

recently i've found myself begging for some hope of reconciliation in the relationships in my life that seem to stay torn no matter what i do. no matter how much i want things to be better. there's not much i can do if the other party doesn't want it. i guess i just need to accept it. but it just hurts.

okay

2009-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

i dedicate this song to a friend of mine. you know who you are...

you will be ok dear, i know it. you are strong. you are beautiful. you are wanted. and most of all, you are loved. all this is temporary. the broken parts will come together again someday. i promise.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today

I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Ingrid Michaelson
Be Ok
Listen to a clip from itunes

Coming back

2008-07-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

One of these days the sky's gonna break
And everything will escape and I'll know
One of these days the mountains
Are gonna fall into the sea and they'll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall away

One of these days letters are gonna
Fall from the sky telling us all to go free
But until that day I'll find a way
To let everybody know that you're coming back
You're coming back for me

'Cause even though you left me here
I have nothing left to fear
These are only walls that hold me here
Hold me here, hold me here

One day soon I'll hold you
Like the sun holds the moon
And we will hear those planes overhead
And we won't have to be scared
We won't have to be scared
We won't have to be scared

You're coming back for me

Letters From The Sky
Civil Twilight - Human

This. Song. Is. Amazing.

strangers

2008-06-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know your face, no more
Or feel the touch, that I adore
I don't know your face, no more
It's just the place, I'm looking for

We might as well be strangers, in another town
We might as well be living, in a different world
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in, an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier, to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time
We might as well

For all I know of you now

Keane: We Might As Well Be Strangers
Album: Hopes and Fears

i've had quite a few moments where i had things to blog or work through. but the absence of quick, timely, easy access to a computer...... na. not really. just laziness, kept me from updating.
and doesn't a stubborn laziness keep us from doing most things that should be done?

this song seems to be about a relationship between two people that have grown apart. for me, right now, it symbolizes and describes how i feel about a few people (friends and family) currently. it's funny how people change over the years. and how quickly they can become someone you don't know. part of me though wonders if it wasn't them at all, but me that changed. or was somewhat blinded by the desire to see them as "perfect." i don't know why, but i'm always deeply wounded in watching my friends experience the part of their humanity that is ugly. i'm tempted to run away, even when that is exactly what i try and tell them not to do. ya, mine is not the same ugliness as theirs, but who am i to think mine is somehow better or less ugly? my ugliness is the same. that is the truth.

the challenge for me is to love no matter what. and not run away. not avoid. not divert. just slowly and surely walk right through the ugliness. even if they seem like strangers, and not the people i knew before... my challenge is to stay. my challenge is to see people in their humanity. all the time. not just when their making the decisions i think they should. maybe even the decisions that i know are right. my challenge is to rely on Him. and trust. fully.

my weakness is...
pride
ignorance
stubbornness
cowardness
delusion
drama

i am the stranger. my challenge is to see me. as i really am. not as i'd like to see myself.

the stranger is me. the Truth is calling me. and i run away.

human

2008-02-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where i feel forgiven
What is this i feel, why is it so real
What am i to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things we can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do i begin, can i shed this skin
What is this i feel within

Civil Twilight
Human

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

weird

2007-10-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

i have to say, this bumper sticker weirds me out. i don't get it. i'm also not quite sure why it weirds me out, but it's just an odd bumper sticker. who walks around proclaiming "I love my wife!"? Is it just me? after looking up close, the text in the lower right says promise keepers. well, there you have it. weird. don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem per say with promise keepers... i don't really know much about them. but still. what a weird bumper sticker!

lost and tired

2007-09-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

we sang this song at ascent tonight. this is exactly how i feel. lost and tired. i wonder sometimes if some people are just prone to feel things deeper and longer than others. i think i'm one of them. and i think i've been holding on. holding on so strong my knuckles are white. i can't say i know what i've been holding onto, but i have. and i can tell because it's making me tired. i feel broken down by failed attempts at making things right in relationships that just aren't going the way i feel they should. broken down and tired by things i can't change. broken down by brokenness. but i'm a fighter. and i'm incredibly stubborn. so i keep holding on.

maybe all i need to do is nothing. stop fighting. stop holding on. stop trying. stop fixing. stop keeping it together. and just let the light shine in.

I've been holding on
I've been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home

If you feel lost
If you feel lost
Sing along
If you feel tired
If you feel tired
Sing along

If you feel lost and tired
This is your song

I've been broken down
I've been broken down
I ain't giving up
Love will come back around

Shine Your light
Shine it down on us
Let Your rescue come for us
We long to love

Shine Your light
Shine it down on us
Let Your rescue come for us now

And if you feel lost, sing along
And if you feel tired, sing along

Oh my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live

Robbie Seay Band
Give Yourself Away
Listen to a clip from itunes

forget

2007-09-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

it's amazing to me how two consecutive days can feel so very different from each other. i constantly go in and out of this...

Feeling like i can't forgive but i want to
It's like i don't know how to live i'm afraid to
I used to think take them as they come without hesitations no
Now it's like my head is filled with lies and persuasions

As the sun begins to fall i hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

What i wouldn't give just to forget
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant and distracted
The toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions

And as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that i'm hiding i'm hiding myself

What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

Am i desperately losing this fight
When i should really be choosing my flight
Take me now

What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
What i wouldn't give just to forget
So i can remember how to live

Holly Brook
Like Blood Like Honey
Listen to a clip from itunes

ew

2007-07-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

come again? male belly dancers

holy crap

2007-07-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

so, this whole month almost went by without a blog post! i've had a lot of stuff to post about but when i've had a chance to post all i've wanted to do was sit in front of the boob-tube and veg. i'm currently addicted to what not to wear. and i'm learning i've been breaking all the rules. terribly.

25

2007-06-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

this is a cool site. below is one of the posts from bittbox. i identify with almost all of these!

25 Reasons You Might Be A Hardcore Graphic/Web Designer
(In no particular order)

1. You’ve almost rear-ended the car in front of you because you were analyzing a font on a billboard.

2. You get pissed when a free Photoshop brush you download is less than 1000px in size.

3. You’d rather study the paisley pattern on your boyfriend/girlfriend’s shirt than listen to what he/she has to say.

4. You can use keyboard shortcuts at light speed, blindfolded, but you can’t type a paragraph of text without staring at the keyboard.

5. You’ve had “Software Nightmares,” when you’ve been working way too much.

6. You consider meals interruptions.

7. You’ve learned your lesson and stopped using the word “final” in any file name when saving.

8. You clean your keyboard more often than you wash your car.

9. You’ve intentionally given up trying to explain your projects to non-designers.

10. You see CMYK and RGB like Neo sees the Matrix.

11. You’d rather organize your desktop than your sock drawer.

12. When you heard that Adobe was acquiring Macromedia, you had a Design Orgasm.

13. When you look at Album art all you see are grunge Photoshop Brushes. (Then you see the album art a couple minutes later)

14. You’ve Photoshopped out a watermark for a comp or mock-up.

15. You’ve actually $paid for a font.

16. You’ve totally slaughtered a great design concept because the client thinks he/she knows best. (everyone thinks they are a designer)

17. The amount of words you’ve written with a sharpie labeling burned discs total more than the amount of words you’ve read in novels.

18. You’ve had to explain to a client that a layered file wasn’t part of the deal.

19. You’ve kept a ragged concert ticket just so you could scan it.

20. You’ve nicknamed the OSX spinning wheel. (and not affectionately)

21. You bookmark a resource more often than you have a fun night out on the town.

22. You’ve intentionally overbid a project because you can sniff out a bad client from a mile away.

23. You can’t go to a restaurant without secretly critiquing the menu design.

24. You have an amazingly huge font collection, and an amazingly short temper.

25. If you had a penny for every mouse click, you would have been a trillionaire 3 years ago.

considering barack

2007-06-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

i've been considering senator barack obama for the coming presidential race. i stumbled across this speech from his wife, michelle at a women's conference. check it out here. it's a good speech.

widgets

2007-06-07T23:54:00.001-07:00

i'm so addicted to apple widgets. i could spend hours checking them all out and downloading a ton of 'em for my mac.

Here are a few I use.
harmonic
canto pod
photo drop

toddlers

2007-06-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

real quick. this last weekend we went camping in the cove palisades state park in oregon. it was awesome. usually we camp on the oregon coast but we wanted to do something a little different this time. well, i have to say there was alot more different going on - more than just the location which brought heat. nate and i were immersed immediately into life with toddlers. wow. is all i have to say. and maybe two more words come to mind also - birth control. ;-) here are some snapshots of the little critters.

top ten

2007-05-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

inspired by charlie from LOST (pathetic that i'm inspired by a fictional tv character) i'm listing the top ten best moments of my life so far. it might seem easy for some, but for me this was very difficult. i tried to list things as if i were about to die. not to be morbid, but to see what i'd come up with. because it seems to me that if i knew i were about to die, i would be less likely to think of superficial stuff and more likely to think of the real, truly life changing stuff.

meeting my maker finding i can know Him on a deep and very personal level. realizing just how gracious He really is, that He could sacrifice so much to love such a big headed and arrogant idiot. me.

finding new heights church my church has really become my family. here i realized i can be myself, He sees everything. all my faults, my screwups, even who i am at the very core, the stuff that i would be mortified anyone saw. and with all that, God still wants me. and better yet, He desires me on a level no one on this earth ever will. and i can't even begin to wrap my brain around it.

meeting nate kissing him for the first time and our wedding day. i am truly blessed to have met nate. he puts up with my blonde moments (i have many). he's patient as i learn how to be wrong sometimes. he extremely kind, detoted, loyal and as corny as it sounds, he is very wise. i've never known a person who thinks through things quite like him. he balances me out.

raising tony having the wonderful opportunity to raise my brother. tony has been a blessing in our lives. watching him grow and become an outstanding adolescent has been awesome. the transformation he's been through since he came to our home is amazing. yes, he's still annoying. but he's simply fulfilling his job description of a teen. it'll pass in due time. ;-)

lost i'll never forget when/where i was when i got the call that our best friends hadn't been heard from since they went out hiking on memorial day. that was one of the scariest experiences of my life. waiting for them to be rescued. feeling so helpless. thinking i would never see them again. horrible. i can't imagine what it was like for their family. and although they were rescued and I heard stories of what it was like, i can only imagine what it really must have been like for them. realizing those days could be their last...this was definitely one of the most memorable moments of my life.

girl-friends there is an incredible value in good friendships. i remember when i first began to realize how valuable it was to have a girl-friend i could talk to about anything. for some time i thought all i needed was my husband. and for the most part i do share just about everything with nate. but there are some things that i keep just between me and my best friend and times when i know, she is the only one that will get what i'm trying to say. it was also then i realized my husband couldn't possibly be expected to be, do and fill everything for me. he will never be able to fill the "girlfriend" hole and i shouldn't expect him to.

discovering camping, hiking & enjoying the outdoors. i'm so grateful to live in the northwest. God is so creative. i love it that i'm able to work in a creative field and create. it makes me feel close to my creator. spending time outdoors in the middle of His creation helps me refocus on the important stuff in life.

moving out i moved out (was kicked out) of my home at 18. in hindsight this was the best thing God ever orchestrated in my life. (well, who am i to know if it was the best thing ever) but looking back i know He was in it. leaving home allowed me to see my parents for what they really were. damaged and not perfect. it wasn't until i got out of the situation and years later that i began to see what was really going on in my home at that time.

philippines i went to the philippines on a missions trip when i was 15. i can't begin to describe how impactful this trip was for me. i wouldn't recommend the group i went with or the reason i went. however simply in going, it extremely expanded my world view. i feel especially fortunate to have it opened to me at such a young age. i'm definitely an advocate of travel out of your home country. i'm even more of an advocate that it happen when you're young.

Mt. St. Helens a pilot friend of ours flew nate and i for a ride over Mt. St. Helens. i'll never forget that view. i got a little air sick but it was certainly worth it!

cs3

2007-04-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

i'm really excited about cs3! i can't wait to get my hands on it. which will be soon! as i was checking out the product on the adobe website, and watching their little promo video, the last part really hit me. the speaker in the short clip said:

"When we do graphic design, it is a visual communication. But it's not only about the visual. It's all about like 5 different senses. The question is thru visual means, how can we make them taste something? How can we hear something? Or like how can we feel something? Really, the bottom line is if you can touch someone's heart."

i knew right then i had to hold onto that quote as a reminder this is what i do. it's not just about the visual. it's about touching people's hearts. and with the greatest message of hope ever told.

virginia tech

2007-04-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

this weekend at church the message was on 1 Chronicles 21:1-27. The part of the story of King David's life when he was leading his people incorrectly and they followed. to sum it up, David chose to rely on his own resources and take a census to see what he could do to protect himself instead of relying wholly on God. it all started in verse one where it says:

"Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel."

after yesterday and the killings at virginia tech i am reminded how much i do indeed and truly believe that satan exists and is opposed to each and every one of us, personally.

then after David realized he'd made a big mistake, he cries out to God...

“I am in deep distress. Let me fall into the hands of the LORD, for His mercy is very great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”
1 Chronicles 21:13

beautiful. when i read that passage it hit me. David knew God personally. David knew that even though he'd screwed up he would still rather be put back in the hands of God to recieve whatever consequences were coming then have God put him into "the hands of men." God even gave David three choices. 3 years of famine. 3 months of being attached and killed by enemies, or 3 days of the "sword of the LORD". just think about that for a minute. he chose the "sword of the LORD". the LORD he knew and believed created heaven and earth, the LORD he knew could inflict way more pain and suffering on him than any human being. yet because he knew God personally. he knew "His mercy is very great;..." and he knew God could but would not harm him as much as men could and would.

and to me the virginia tech killings remind me of how true i feel that is. and how much we're all very, terribly and horribly broken. and I'm one of them.

Lord, I want to go home. i don't want to experience any more pain. i don't want to see any more pain. and i don't want to cause any more pain. how much longer do we have to stay here?

brief

2007-03-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

1. big party for nate on friday.
2. still working on getting old posts back to this site.
3. been contemplating good friends.
4. have a new look.

back (kinda)

2007-03-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

well. i'm back. sorta. i got it all back but at a different address. so i'll continue to update here. but if you want to read anything previous (2005 - Feb 2007) you have to go here. i'm a little discouraged and not motivated to blog lately because of all the hassle. even after getting it back. but i think it will be short-term. i think i'm ready for a new look. whaddya say?

dummy text

2007-02-28T15:57:00.000-08:00

this is dummy text for a dummy post while i wait for blogger support to get back to me. i switched to the new google/blogger. then, accidentally deleted the google account that had my gmail account as my blogger username and email attached to it. and now it's gone. so i'm now currently trying to get it all back through blogger suppport. you can track my progess here.

mother

2007-02-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

every time i listen to this song i wanna cry. the very guts of my soul wishes i could say this of my mom. there've been other "mom" tribute songs out there i've heard. i even dedicated one of those "mom" songs to my mother in law who's been the best mom i could ever ask for. but this one is different. beth hart's voice does something to me. i don't know how to explain it. when i listen to this song my heart longs for a past i will never, ever call my own. my reality is a past without a mom like this. i only hope i can learn from all that and be this song for my children someday.

Mother may I, and I would say
Yes sweet baby take it away
It won't be long
Just just remember
That powerful is the woman in you
And stay true now
And she'd come to me
When fire & water was gone
To caress the empty with a song
Saying why cry for anger
That bullet the sky
Just remember
And I'll remember mama
I'll get by

And I know my face
Seems crazed & wild
But I got her eyes
The mama's child am I
She's blessed with grace
Is smooth as a line
And when I shade
She helps me shine
And she comes to me
when there's nothing I believe
And holds me so high yes I am free
Saying why hold the anger
It won't let you fly
Just remember
And I'll remember
Cause mama, mama
I'll get by

Confused by my own illusion
She said that it's only my pride
And even the simplest solutions
Still won't heal my mind
So I'll remember
I'll remember
I'll get by
~Beth Hart - Screamin' For My Supper
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

sigh

2007-02-08T18:49:00.000-08:00

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder
As the race goes underwater

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
to convince me
It's still far from over
~Mute Math - Stall Out
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

i've become increasingly aware lately of all my inadequacy, insecurities, doubts, and a myriad of others. it's not a fun place to be. all i want to do is retreat. hide. runaway. but i know i shouldn't. actually, reality tells me i can't. sometimes i hate reality.

name tags

2007-01-07T11:41:00.001-08:00

just awesome. this is hilarious.

chaos

2007-01-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

Complication's my claim to fame
And I can’t believe there’s another
Constantly just another
I can’t avoid what I can’t control
And I’m losing ground
Still I can’t stand down
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
After all the letdowns I’ve been through
Haunted by what I’ve been through
Best to try while I still can breathe
And I’m screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos
~Mute Math - Chaos
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

christmas

2007-01-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

we had the entire week of christmas off this year. i'm the one that likes to sleep in, nate likes to get up early and he's constantly working on something. and it's usually something he thinks he supposed to do, not something fun. it seems like it's constantly raining here in the northwest as well. i like slow mornings where i don't have to rush, i can stay in my pj's and have a nice pancake or waffle breakfast with my family. those moments are few and far between but i can always be assured i will get just that every christmas at least. and i did this year too and it was wonderful. (except omelettes instead of waffles) nate, tony and i spent the night at nate's parents and woke up ready to eat freshly-made cinnamon rolls and omelettes.

Can’t you see it’s just raining?
There ain’t no need to go outside
But baby you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
But just maybe, hala ka ukulele
Mama made a baby
I really don’t mind the practice
Because you’re my little lady
Lady, lady love me
Because I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there’s no world outside
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Can’t you see, can’t you see
Rain all day and I don’t mind
Telephone singing, ringing, it’s too early
Don’t pick it up
We don’t need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
It’s just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, wake up slow
But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Rain all day and I really really really don’t mind
Can’t you see, can’t you see
We’ve got to wake up slow
~Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

then came the presents! this is some of what i got for christmas...

ya. it was a good christmas! ;-)

yield

2006-12-26T12:32:00.000-08:00

so, in the spirit of christmas, i was going to post the song "wishlist" from this album however, this song fits a little better currently. if you've never listened to this album, you're missing out. in my opinion it's the best ever from peal jam. love it, love it.

Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I'm feeling, so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

All the static in my attic-a
Shoots down my sciatic nerve
To the ocean of my platitudes
Longitudes, latitudes, it's so absurd
I just need someone to be there for..
I just want someone to be there for..
Someone to be there for..

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way

Ooh, let's call in an angel

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
No way, no way
Let's call in an angel
Who's calling an angel?

~Pearl Jam - No Way
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

hope

2006-11-26T15:05:00.000-08:00

Hope In Hard Times is the teaching series we just finished at my church currently. "Waiting In Hope" was the main theme a couple weeks ago, and it was really challenging for me. i'm not a patient person. waiting and not knowing is not something i like. it drives me insane actually. i really have a hard time with the unknown, unplanned and unexpected. i hate surprises. i hate not knowing what's in front of me. i'm a planner. a crazy planner, and a disorganized one at that (don't ask). but that's me. uncertainty? ugh. yuck. yuck. yuck. i don't like not knowing...that's why this talk and even a random blog post find, really hit home.

for the talk series, we've been going through 1 Peter. this week was 1 Peter 4:7-19. in the first few verses, peter talks about what it means to be a christian in relationship with other people especially during conflict and "hard times" with them. peter's challenge to us is to continue to love and serve those in your community when you're going thru tuff stuff but especially when going thru tuff stuff caused by other people. not just people "out there," but people close to home. people that are supposed to love and support you through thick and thin but currently aren't for whatever reason.

after stumbling across this post from Nae, i really felt it mirrored closely what peter was saying also but from another angle. some of it that especially hit home, i've pasted below:

"As my friend Allan says, we must be willing to protect our friendships, and make sure that we don’t loose them over things that can be worked out. I realize that sometimes we might not say the complete truth because we either are not sure if the feelings or attraction are worth a penny or sometimes we are just afraid to hurt the other person so we figure it’s better to tell them half truths, other times we blatantly lie or remain silent thinking we are protecting the person or may be protecting ourselves…trust me, I’ve applied these reasons often times. In reality when the actual truth unfolds at a latter time, it causes even more pain than if everything was laid out at the very beginning. What honesty does is that it lets the person or people involved know what is actually going on…even if that’s the only thing that it accomplishes. I highly doubt that it does anyone any good, especially living in a small community, to live half-truth lives or protect ourselves by not speaking the truth. Now, I’m not advocating for people to always broadcast everything that is going on every time they think they like someone or something along those lines, but I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships. What honesty doesn’t do is make the hurt or disappointment less real, in fact it does the complete opposite. At the end of the day, if the truth is out there, each person is responsible for what they do with it. Along these same lines, I think the people around us should also play an important role to make sure that we are living honestly with our intentions, feelings and actions."

i feel like i was challenged by peter but also by nae. nae challenged and reminded me that relationships require honesty. peter challenged me to continually love and serve even in the midst of conflict and struggle with other people, even the ones that are afraid to bring their concerns up. i truly agree that it makes things worse and damages relationships to avoid conflict rather than confronting it "...I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships."

i pray that the moment i realize i might have an issue with someone or something, that i approach my feelings with that person honestly and without delay...because i've felt the damaging effects of the opposite and it hurts.

undo

2006-10-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

this is so awesome!

ridiculous

2006-10-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

ya. this is me. 100%

do i?

2006-10-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

this says it all.

I must express the way it feels
to write all day without a care
Conversation and a coffee
I wanna talk about
the good things in my life
I wanna try to be alright
I can care about the way
love makes me feel
I can care about the good
things that are real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that I'm so bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the things that make me sad
Do I?

There are things that
make me smile everyday
The jokes we play
The funny things we say
There's nothing like the joy
they could see in my eyes
When I think about
the man in my life
I can care about the way
he makes me feel
I can care because his love
makes me feel real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that will be bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the days that will be sad
Do I?

~Alice Smith - For Lovers, Dreamers & Me
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

teresa lyrics

2006-09-29T21:27:00.001-07:00

these lyrics are how i feel now. and how convenient for the song title to be my name. and spelled right. but that's beside the point. i've been rolling different thoughts around in my head for a while now. like how much i love my job. like how my work life, home life and family life all bleed together so nicely. "alone is no way to live" and i agree. "this feeling it don't happen by yourself" and i agree. "we could love...we can love...one another" and i agree. and i'd like to add that all this happens while i'm busy, busy, people say too busy working at that church. oh, i feel a rant coming on. yes. i do work a lot. but i love what i do. and tony loves being here. he's apart of our work life, home life and family life. we do it all together. all of it.
(ok, i guess that was just a short rant. maybe more on that later.) oh, and we get to go to another citizen cope concert in october! it should be great. especially since his new album just came out. should be cool to hear some of his new tunes live.

Breathing
Don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
This feeling
It don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love

~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

trip

2006-09-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

Go here to see what i've been up to; our vacation this past week. nate biked the entire oregon coast, from the astoria bridge on the washington side clear thru to the california border! me and tony along with alicia and kurt all tagged along for the fun of it. nate biked with tim (alicia's hubby) and tim's friend, Jason. they rocked. i'm really proud of nate....i for sure couldn't have done it.

life

2006-08-09T00:09:00.001-07:00

i love how my personal life, my work life and my family life all blend together. it may seem odd to some but to me, i relish in it. i love it. i'm not exactly sure why either. but i do. maybe it's because i never experienced family growing up. or maybe it's simply because i'm extroverted. who knows. but i don't know how i'd live without those worlds touching each other.

my second to the youngest sister came to hang out with me at a summer festival event today. that made me so happy. she's quirky. and she knows it. she likes to try and embarrass me. and she usually does. but i love that she came. she got to meet people in my world. that made me happy. so my second to the youngest sis, if you're reading this, know that you made me very happy today. and just for good measure, thanks for sharing your tentative, new-found perspective on the "mom" thing with me. i hope it sticks. ;-)

this was for you girl. i love you.

conference 2006!

2006-07-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

this was the opening video of the worship conference I went to a few weeks ago at saddleback church.

so awesome.

beach

2006-07-01T22:06:00.001-07:00

so first. we went to the beach the week before last. just nate and i. it was awesome! the weather was perfect the entire time! here are some pics to prove it.

again, i can't say enough about how much i love the northwest.we ate crab, walked on the beach, walked around cannon beach. we just did touristy things. there is this awesome glass shop too that we love to go to. they make glass bowls, vases, etc. right there in the shop so everyone can see the process. it's pretty neat. get's a little hot in there sometimes though.
i'm at a loss for words on what else we did cause other than what i listed above, we simply did nothing. literally. most of the time we just sat in the house we rented reading books. ahhhh, it was awesome. peace and quiet. sitting and reading for however long we wanted. undisturbed. it was great.

stayed tuned for my thoughts/reflections on the book i started and finished in those two days at the beach. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

saddleback

2006-06-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

currently i'm in california at a worship conference at saddleback church. this is my second time. i went two years ago too. this isn't much, just a quick update to say i'm still alive. stay tuned for pics from my beach trip to cannon beach with nate. i read a whole book during our time at the beach so i'll tell you about that too. it was an awesome book. and hopefully i'll have some thoughts on the conference later too. until then, tatta!

i pinch

2006-06-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

oh i love this!

quote

2006-06-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

a quote from my pastor:

"It’s only when we slow down and stop taking ourselves so seriously – that we are free to deal with God very seriously." ~Matt Hannan

i agree 100%. and this is why i joke about "serious" stuff. 'cause nothing else matters apart from my relationship with god.

june

2006-06-04T22:20:00.001-07:00

i realize it's been awhile since i last posted. especially since my hubby is starting to brag that he's gotten in more posts than me...you know it's been awhile when he's saying that! so i've decided to rectify that. but what to post about?

i had a birthday. that was cool. however, it was foreshadowed by the fact that the month of may is simply becoming a bad luck month for me. it's june now. i like that. not just because it's my middle name but because june means may is finally over. i'm not sure what it is but this was the second may in a row that's been emotionally draining for me. last may as most of you know, my dad was put in prison (very good thing - but still weird), my 13 (now 14) year old brother came to live with my husband and i (good - but still a hard adjustment) and my mother went crazy...well i shouldn't say went crazy....uh, exposed herself as a new kind of crazy to the rest of my family (also good - but still weird).

now, i have to admitt, this may wasn't as bad as last may....but as my close friends put it, it seems like i've gone from one emotionally draining "crisis" to another! just as i got over one, i'm onto the next! (wish i could share more, but can't) and how right they are. one especially funny and honestly uplifting comment from one of my friends, "teresa, don't you just feel like sitting in one spot and just swearing, over and over and over again!?" truth be told? YES but i won't say more on the grounds that i may incriminate myself.

then i found this quote:

Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back.

deep breath in.....deep, slow, relaxing breath out. that's what i needed.

silverstar

2006-05-21T21:15:00.001-07:00

so the day we were supposed to hike hamilton mountain we did silverstar instead. it was a short hike though because we ran into snow. here's the pic. from left to right: me, nate, matt, peter.

survey

2006-05-09T23:48:00.001-07:00

ok. here are the questions:

1. What comes to mind when you hear this: "The Treasure Quest: Living a Pirate's Dream"
2. How much is too much to pay for a T-shirt promoting a church event?
3. What qualities would you want in that T-shirt.
4. Of those qualities, choose your top three "deal makers." In other words, what top qualities on your list would make you want to pay money for the T-shirt?
5. How old are you? (because I'd like to know the age range of the survey group)

and lastly

6. Would you be willing to get your friends to respond on this too and get back to me with their responses?

even if the answer to that last question is "no" I'd still love to get your responses. so? what say you?

i'm waiting in anxious anticipation. i'm biting my nails.

today

2006-05-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

i just thought i'd post what my tat looks like today. i just noticed that the only pics on here of it are the fresh, painful ones. i think this looks much better.

hike

2006-05-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

a couple weeks ago nate and i hiked angel's rest with some friends. it's a hike near multnoma falls. it was gorgeous (sp?) weather and the view was awesome! this is yet another reason why i love the northwest so much. we're going out again next friday to hike hamilton mt. i can't wait. i suppose i could write a bunch more, but i'll stop here. (i'm lazy)

funk

2006-04-30T21:43:00.001-07:00

i've been in a blogging funk lately. not wanting to post on anything, not feeling i have anything to post about. feeling insecure, feeling overconfident, feeling gipped, feeling extremely blessed, feeling messed up. feeling like i don't have much to offer but i know it's not true and even if it were, that would still be enough. just a funk.

dustin is a friend of mine and his song "all i've got" simply fits me right now.

sometimes i say too much and
sometimes i don't say enough
sometimes i hurt the ones that you all know i'd like to love and
sometimes i just give in when i know that i shouldn't
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometime it's just too late

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you

every now and then i lie
when i wanna tell the truth
sometimes i run so hard
all i want's to be with you
sometimes i feel like you're not there
when you say you're everywhere
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometimes it's just too late

this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
and it's all for you

and if i tell you that i love you do you love me
can you hear me can you hear me
if i tell you that i need you do you want me
can you hear me calling out

i think of all the price you paid
i pray thee lord my soul to take
every time i pray every time

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you
~Ruth - Ruth EP
Click here to listen to it from mySpace.

sunny days

2006-04-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

...sunny days, chasing the - clouds away...Hm, Hm, Hm - Hu, hu, hu, HU - HU - HU...can you tell me how to get? how to get to sesame street?

i love all the sunny days lately! i'm so excited for summer!

so i know i've been away for a while. i've been a little preocupied. all last week i worked on a brochure for the annual Summer Festival Race For the Homeless. in a bout a week or two both the race and the summer festival pages should be updated...or at least the race one should this coming week. it should be cool. i'm excited about that too cause this is the first year i get to help design it! sweet!

that's all.

camping

2006-04-15T00:10:00.001-07:00

i love camping. for those that know me well, this is no surprise. we had last weekend off and spent it camping on the oregon coast...it was really nice. it only rained saturday morning but was clear the rest of the time....**sigh** oh it was great to get away!

that's all. full stop. over and out. ;-)

in it

2006-04-05T23:06:00.001-07:00

"Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it."
~Garden State

...ya, i'm in it right now...

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
~Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

surprises

2006-03-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

no explanation necessary...

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
was Bullet Proof

Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in.
You have turned me into this, just wish that it..
was Bullet Proof

So pay me money, and take a shot
Lead fill the hole in me.
I could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate..
& Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
~Radiohead - Bullet Proof
(itunes doesn't have Radiohead...the bastards!)

them

2006-03-29T02:31:00.001-08:00

Gen. 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

i love that. "them" and "us" and "our" and "them." you know my pastor mentioned in his talk the other day that he really has no idea why God likes to speak of himself in the masculine form. but what he does know is that God created them. "male and female he created them." he said, he knows that somehow there are two sides of God's nature, per say that male and female were created from.

i love the imagery this brings to my mind. i can't describe it. just awesome. both with a purpose. both with unique things to contribute that the other might not even get close to achieving on their own. something that would be and is unachievable unless we do it together.... together. wow. what a masterpiece. (and when I say together. i'm not envisioning a marriage relationship although i do think that is a masterpiece too.) but together "let them rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." this isn't hypothetical. this is clear. together. we were created and designed to work and much more be together. relating to each other. not fighting each other. i truly don't believe that God ever intended, wanted or wished for women to struggle to be heard and respected. it just makes me sad. the constant struggle.

and the church's typical response to it makes me even more sad. there are so many churches out there that simply get it all wrong. and i've seen the damaging effects of it. and even experienced some of them personally. this isn't how it's supposed to be. these churches remind me how thankful i am to be involved in a church that uses and believes in and acts upon the words "them" and "us" and "our" and "them."

beauty

2006-03-26T22:05:00.001-08:00

....just something i think is important. and i commend dove for it. go check out the campaign website here and one of the commercials here.

i just think this is so important! it's not easy getting to a point in your life where you completely love and appreciate every bit of yourself as much as you should. gals, you know what i'm talking about. that place where you look at yourself in the mirror naked and you have absolutely no negative things to say (or think) about yourself. i could go on and on about the media and what america tells women they should look like but i'll spare you. the bottom line is that women should be able to see themselves as they are and say/think that there isn't one thing they would change about themselves.

ya, ya, ya....i know what you're thinking. i'm thinking it myself. "that'll never happen..." and i know. but can't we attain for something even remotely close to that? if we could stand in the mirror ourselves and refuse to say or even think anything negative about our appearance - if we could train oursleves to instead point out one thing we like about ourselves each day. then two, then three, then hopefully too many to count. each day. what a difference that would make!

i don't think it's unachievable.

frustrated

2006-03-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

so ya, i haven't posted in a while and so i thought i would update on what's up. not much really. that's why no posts. actually i've had numerous posts slip in and out of my mind all this week....none of them ever made it to fruition. (how do you spell that???) that word that means "to come about" or something like that. i get the feeling that this post will be very random, schizophrenic and a little discombooberated...(the little red squiggly lines under that word are telling me it's....discombobulated is what i mean, hmmm) and maybe even short. ya short - let's do that.

on second thought. i suppose i should explain why "frustrated." not sure i want to though cause i probably shouldn't be frustrated at all. but i am. and if i tell you why i'm frustrated the very ugly-disgusting-selfish-awful-not me, other side of me will...come to fruition? no, rear it's ugly head. ya. i'm not so sure i want you all to see that side of me. it's pretty awful and i turn into a slobbery, whiney, old baby.....old baby? hmmmm.

so i will stop. and as spoken from the mouth of my friend sarah "full stop."

"hello. full stop. That's what i am currently experiencing. stop of mind. stop of rational thought. stop of making sense. stop of talking right now...i promise...really...shut up my face. Love and kisses and cup cakes and frolics through wild flowers and warm fuzzies ect...really disturbing, Sarah"

tattoo

2006-03-12T22:45:00.001-08:00

i did it. i got the tattoo that i've been waiting on for some time now. about three months in the process, i finally decided on a design. i brought a couple of my doodles to my tattoo artist and had him work up a sketch. i spent a couple months tweaking it and this is the result. i'm really happy with it.

of course this pic is fresh after it was done....so it looks disgustingly painful. and yes. it did hurt. (why do people ask that?) yes. a bunch of needles stuck into your skin very rapidly for 2 and a half hours straight is painful and yes, it hurts.

below are some pics during the work.

honestly

2006-03-07T19:54:00.001-08:00

i could listen to this song over and over again for forever and a day and not get tired of it. i've loved it since the moment i heard it the first time way back when... some may say it's depressing. to me - it's a declaration. a declaration that no matter what's going on, i make a choice everyday who i want to be. i make a choice to be who He wants me to be. who He designed me to be. despite everything. despite the fact that everyone else has deserted. despite the fact that i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in this life. i make a choice to follow and trust the One who put me here. the One who sees me. all of me. wholly me. and tells me everyday that He won't give up on me. i will believe. i choose to believe this is true.

thank you sarah for finding it for me again. i needed this.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

drama

2006-03-05T21:53:00.000-08:00

i'm so ready to be done with this. all of this. i've gotta write a letter. i've been avoiding it like i did my homework in college. i'm even avoiding it now as i blog about having to do it.

"I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win"

and i'm writing this letter to officially state, in writing, that my boundaries will not be crossed. i'm writing to make those boundaries absolutely clear. so there's no wondering. no question. and then, when the time comes - if it didn't work out it won't be because i chose for it not to work - it'll be because my boundaries were constantly and continually challenged and crossed. i'm not going to do it anymore. and i'm going to make it absolutely clear, what it takes to be in relationship with me. and it's an easy choice. you make the choice or you refuse. "no more games." no more roller coaster. i'm done.

You go your way, I go mine
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired of this drama

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin every night)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain) (tired of hurting)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning with your disturbin' phone calls
leave me alone)
No drama, no more in my life
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of this drama
~Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

my theme song

2006-03-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

when you read these lyrics you must listen to the song at the same time. go here to download the song for free.... then listen while reading.

Oh my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
Cause at times in life you'll need a helping hand

Oh my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To Keep you calm, keep you safe away from harm

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with the light to set you free

Oh my baby, when you're dyin'
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
~Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Psalm 40:5 (NIV) (emphasis added)

love

2006-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

i've been frustrated lately. frustrated by people (including myself sometimes) who can't seem to simply show love to those around them. people who feel like they have a right to judge others. yet the people being judged don't have that same right. at least not in the eyes of the person judging. people who feel like it's not only their right but maybe even their duty to call people out and challenge them on their views if they differ from their own. people who like to use scripture out of context and "throw" it in other people's faces not only to make their point, (twisting scripture to their own agenda) but also to make themselves look/feel superior to the other. granted, to some extent we all do this. none of us are perfect. i've even done it. i did it to my siblings when i was going thru my "super religious" phase around 15-16 years old. i'm not proud of it - but i learned from it. if i had been too proud to listen to my sisters (and i didn't right away) when they told me they felt judged by me, i might never have seen how wrong i was. i might never have seen that i wasn't showing god's love to anyone. and that is the number one thing god calls us to do. christian or no christian, everyone can agree that love is something everyone wants and can't do without.

i think part of what makes me feel so upset about this - and so disgusted at myself at 15/16, is because growing up all i ever received from my parents was conditional love. which, isn't love at all. it's some sick, twisted, fake attempt at love. and it's damaging. seriously damaging. the link below is a project i did for my women's studies class. it was the final project and the goal was simply to express yourself with a medium of your choice. but it had to be creative. i chose to express myself with a video with one of my favorite songs...Ginny Owens - Without Condition. the lyrics are below. this song puts to words my feelings toward my parents regarding my childhood and the suedo-christian, super-religious, paranoid, insecure and judgmental home i was brought up in.

click here to see the video. (it's about 3.9MB so if you don't have a high speed connection it may take a little bit to load.)

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?

You can't find the answers
Till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid
Just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.

So place all the souls that you know
in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
You talk to your God,
Prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.
~Ginny Owens - Without Condition
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

crapola

2006-02-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

wanna make something sound stupid? Just go to this website. type in some text and choose "valley girl" as your translation.....

examples of "it's pretty funny":
in valley girl: "it's pretty funny. Oh my God!"
in boston accent: "it's pretty funny, Jamal!"
in canadian: "it's preddy funny!"
in pig latin: "ityay's ettypray unnyfay!"
in smurf: "it's smurfy smurfy!"

it's even more fun to type in a website instead. try a news website - or better yet, try your own blog!

recap

2006-02-15T00:48:00.001-08:00

i think i had just about the best valentine's day ever. seriously. even from the very beginning of the day. (excluding of course the fact that i actually had to wake up and get out of bed). anthony and i got into it as usual. something about huskies wearing socks to keep them warm when they pull snow sleds.
me: "anthony, huskies don't wear socks....some people may call the white fur on the feet of some of them socks, but they're not actual, cloth, material socks..." anthony: "yes, they do...huskies do actually wear this special material that...." blah, blah, blah...one day i'll learn to just roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut. but no, there's something in me that just cannot let something like that go by without so much as a comment of correction when it's so blatantly, ridiculously, wrong. ok, so you can see now (proof in the pudding) that i just can't let stuff go. anyway, our typical arguments usually make me grumpy but not today. it was actually just enough ridiculousness to push me over into a weird, contended, happiness instead. which was quite pleasant. and although i would like to take full credit for being the "adult" and not engaging fully into his ridiculous discussion, i think the half-dose of day quill might have had something to do with it. and the fact that anthony had also just surprised me with valentines chocolates.

get to work. fill up my coffee cup. say my goodmornings. get to my desk and find potted flowers, hershey's kisses, and candy hearts from my sweet, wonderful, awesome mother in-law. and no, for those of you who don't know, i'm not being sarcastic. i actually love my mother in-law probably more than my very own. (which i suppose isn't hard to imagine if you've ever met or know anything about my biological mom) but nevertheless, kerry is awesome. and so very sweet. i couldn't wish for a better mother in-law.

after musing over the flowers and feeling way over spoiled by kerry. i figured i should get back to work and started to check email. well, just then my day got even better. i got an ecard from my hubby nate wishing me a happy valentine's day. and no, i'm not going to quote it for you. but it was perfect.

so, for all of you who hate dentist appointments this would be the "downer" in this story....but wait....it's not. i had a dentist appointment scheduled for 4:40pm. (who know's why i scheduled a dentist appointment on valentine's day??) so when the time came i left work hoping that the dentist would not tell me what i thought was true. i have a cavity. so i went in, hoping for the best but feeling the inevitable truth....that the pain in my tooth was actually a cavity and my pretty clean track record of "little to no" cavities was broken. well, this is precisely where the story turns. but first: in the past, i've never been one of those people who hate going to the dentist...it's never bothered me. don't know why. but today i had a revelation. not only did the dentists tell me that i had no cavities at all, he lavished praises on me for my "beautiful" teeth! sheesh. what a place to find your self-esteem built up! and if i remember correctly, almost every time i see the dentist i get the same feedback. so here's my revelation: i think i don't mind the dentist because my teeth always get praised. how's that for weird? and the extra cool part about the whole thing is; i didn't even do anything to get my teeth that way, i don't even know what categorizes a person's teeth as "beautiful" anyway. but hell, i'll take it! at least that's one positive thing my parents gave me. so, i found myself oddly happy, yet again today.

ok, so i know this is getting long and you're all getting bored so i'll finish with just one more thing. i have to say, if it hadn't been for tracy & marcus, ryan, and matt - nate and i would not have been able to go out together. tracy picked up anthony from school today and he hung out at their place until ryan picked him up later in the evening and hung with him until he went to bed. matt was especially kind by covering nate and i at tnt tonight. thanks you guys! you all ROCK!

so that sounded like an awards acceptance speech....

last but not least nate and i were able to go out and catch dinner at the Crab Shack and saw a movie. "The World's Fastest Indian." what a great movie! it's perfect for any age. well, maybe not any age....but it was good. it's what i would call a "heart warmer." which i thought was perfect for a valentine's date. cause you have to admit . . . . choosing the perfect movie for a valentine date (or any for that matter) is pretty important. i mean, seriously, find a bad movie....the two of you could just end up feeling awkward the entire rest of the evening....and that's just no fun for anyone. my philosophy: safer is always better on an important evening. we originally wanted to see "Having Fun With Dick & Jane" (which looks hilarious!) but we couldn't find it at any of the theaters....so maybe it's on DVD already?

anyway, i'm done rambling now....

ezer

2006-02-10T15:21:00.001-08:00

ezer. a definition of woman i can agree on. finally.

"And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and conquer it, and hold sway over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the heavens and every beast that crawls upon the earth.' (Gen. 1:26-28 Alter)"~Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

this is the only redeeming section in this book. the rest, in my opinion, is mostly crap. i'm having a hard time even finishing the book. however, i do like their definition of woman and what she was created for....

"Call it the Human Mission-to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice-the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth-all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture-we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]' (Gen. 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.' The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat...disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him"

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

'Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sward.' (Deut. 33:26,29, emphasis added)

'I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.' (Ps. 121:1-2, ephasis added)

'May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help.' (Ps. 20:1-2, emphasis added)

'We wait in hope for the LORD, he is our help and our shield.' (Ps. 33:20, emphasis added)

'O house of Israel, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD-he is ther help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.'
(Ps. 115:9-11, emphasis added)

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you . . . you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life. Ask Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Deborah, Esther-any of the friends of God from the Old Testament. God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger.

Picture the character Arwen in the mythic motion-picture trilogy, The Lord of the Rings. Arwen is a princess, a beautiful and brave elf maiden. She comes into the story in the nick of time to rescue the little hobbit Frodo just as the poisoned wound moving toward his heart is about to claim him.

ARWEN: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for two days. There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

ARAGORN: Stay with the hobbits. I'll send horses for you.

ARWEN: I'm the faster rider. I'll take him.

ARAGORN: The road is too dangerous.

ARWEN: I do not fear them.

ARAGORN: (relinquishing to her, he takes her hand.) Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back.

It is she, not the warrior Aragorn, who rides with glory and speed. She is Frodo's only hope. She is the one entrusted with his life and with him, the future of all Middle Earth. She is his ezer kenegdo.

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.

[...]

What we said was, first, that Eve is the crown of creation. There is something uniquely magnificent and powerful about a woman. We tried to reveal the immeasurable dignity, the holiness of your feminine heart by showing that it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too.

There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs.

deep breath in....deep breath out.

how refreshing to hear that woman was not simply an after thought. how refreshing to hear of woman as the "image bearer" of God. how refreshing and validating to hear my heart's desires are also God's desires. how refreshing to hear that woman bears the "other side" if you will of God's heart. so wonderful to hear the words "woman" and "powerful" together in the same sentence without negativity associated with it.

this definition of woman as ezer is so very empowering. the imagery that it creates in my mind is absolutely amazing. think of it this way. man was created to bear the image of "one side" of God's heart and woman was created to bear the image of the "other side" of God's heart. how beautiful is that? i can't quite fully wrap my mind or imagination around it. just wow!

doesn't this definition just feel right? and doesn't it just make sense?

ezer

2006-02-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

ezer. a definition of woman i can agree on. finally.

"And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and conquer it, and hold sway over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the heavens and every beast that crawls upon the earth.' (Gen. 1:26-28 Alter)"~Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

"Call it the Human Mission-to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice-the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth-all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture-we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]' (Gen. 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.' The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat...disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him"

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

'Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sward.' (Deut. 33:26,29, emphasis added)

'I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.' (Ps. 121:1-2, ephasis added)

'May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help.' (Ps. 20:1-2, emphasis added)

'We wait in hope for the LORD, he is our help and our shield.' (Ps. 33:20, emphasis added)

'O house of Israel, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD-he is ther help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.'
(Ps. 115:9-11, emphasis added)

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you . . . you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life. Ask Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Deborah, Esther-any of the friends of God from the Old Testament. God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger.

Picture the character Arwen in the mythic motion-picture trilogy, The Lord of the Rings. Arwen is a princess, a beautiful and brave elf maiden. She comes into the story in the nick of time to rescue the little hobbit Frodo just as the poisoned wound moving toward his heart is about to claim him.

ARWEN: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for two days. There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

ARAGORN: Stay with the hobbits. I'll send horses for you.

ARWEN: I'm the faster rider. I'll take him.

ARAGORN: The road is too dangerous.

ARWEN: I do not fear them.

ARAGORN: (relinquishing to her, he takes her hand.) Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back.

It is she, not the warrior Aragorn, who rides with glory and speed. She is Frodo's only hope. She is the one entrusted with his life and with him, the future of all Middle Earth. She is his ezer kenegdo.

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.

[...]

What we said was, first, that Eve is the crown of creation. There is something uniquely magnificent and powerful about a woman. We tried to reveal the immeasurable dignity, the holiness of your feminine heart by showing that it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too.

There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs.

bono

2006-02-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Bono's best sermon yet: Remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast

[RUSH TRANSCRIPT: CHECK AGAINST DELIVERED REMARKS]

If you're wondering what I'm doing here, at a prayer breakfast, well, so am I. I'm certainly not here as a man of the cloth, unless that cloth is leather. It's certainly not because I'm a rock star. Which leaves one possible explanation: I'm here because I've got a messianic complex.

Yes, it's true. And for anyone who knows me, it's hardly a revelation.

Well, I'm the first to admit that there's something unnatural...something unseemly...about rock stars mounting the pulpit and preaching at presidents, and then disappearing to their villas in the south of France. Talk about a fish out of water. It was weird enough when Jesse Helms showed up at a U2 concert...but this is really weird, isn't it?

You know, one of the things I love about this country is its separation of church and state. Although I have to say: in inviting me here, both church and state have been separated from something else completely: their mind.

Mr. President, are you sure about this? [...]

for the rest go here.

crap!

2006-02-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

i let the anniversary of my blog's first year go by unnoticed! January 8th, 2005 was my first post ever in the blogging world. go bloggers. down with the slackers.

yeah!

underwhelmed

2006-01-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

well, i have to say. i have mixed reviews so far on this book. and ya, i'm bummed. i'm over half-way finished with it and although there are passages in it that really resonate with me....a large part of the book does not. i feel like i can find deep and meaningful quotes from it....but nothing really life changing. but really, why was i looking to a "christian" book for the meaning of woman when His word is right here at my fingertips to explore. maybe i was trying to take the easy way out. who knows. but i'm bummed by it. the introduction had me hooked. but i don't feel like the introduction was even close to an accurate preview into what the book would be about. on the contrary, i felt even more stereotyped and categorized than before! i was planning on reading the first book John wrote, "Wild At Heart" which is for men, but now i'm not so sure. maybe i'll still read it but after this read, i'm a little skeptical about what i will find in that book. for instance, all of chapter 5 basically says that the reason for all of the mistreatment of women over the centuries and over all of time was because satan has a "special hatred" for women.

quote:

"The assault on femininity-it's long history, its utter viciousness-cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. This is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity."

and the following are some of the reasons they use to back up this claim:

quote:

"Turn your attention again to the events that took place in the Garden of Eden. Notice-who does the Evil One go after? Who does Satan single out for his move against the human race? He could have chosen Adam...but he didn't. Satan went after Eve. He set his sights on her. Have you ever wondered why? It might have been that he, like any predator, chose what he believed to be the weaker of the two."

ok, we get it - satan chose women because we're the weaker of the two.....how many times have we heard that? or at least something very similar...but it gets worse...

quote:

"Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art. But most especially, he hates Eve. Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. [...] He hates it with a jealousy we can only imagine..."

it's almost too much....i almost can't believe what I'm reading....but there's more...

quote:

The Evil One also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth, not men. Women nourish life. And they also bring life into the world soulfully, relationally, spiritually - in everything they touch. Satan was a murderer from the beginning (John 8:44). He brings death. His is a kingdom of death. Ritual sacrifices, genocide, the Holocaust, abortion - those are his ideas. And thus Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. [...] Put those two things together - that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan's bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this.

whoa, hold up a bit. ok, now, it seems logical to me that satan may have a hand in the mistreatment of women but i think it's a mistake to credit him for all of it. i believe there are three reasons. 1 our sinful natures after the fall - we are all broken, 2 personal choices of mankind's free will and 3 satan. i do not however, believe that satan has a "special hatred" for women. you just can't walk around saying and believing that all the bad things that happen in the world are satan's doing! because it's then that you're forgetting that you have free will. you, make your own decisions. not anyone else.

the very first quote above is the only time this book mentions anything about individuals being held accountable for their own actions. i'm up to chapter 9 now and every idea after chapter 5 build on the idea - the belief, that satan has a "special hatred" for women. i'm not buying it and there's no Scripture to back it up.

however, despite my objections to the majority of this book, there are a few parts that i feel there is some truth in. below is a quote where John is writing.

quote:

"What is this thing in me-and in most men-that just doesn’t want to go deep into a woman’s world? You are too much. Too hard. It’s too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn’t that just the message you’ve lived with all your life as a woman? “You’re too much, and not enough. You’re just not worth the effort.” (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of détente, a cordial agreement to live only so close. The effect is that most women feel alone."

now, although i'm not so sure about the part about "man's deepest fear" being failure (i'd have to ask a guy) but the part in that quote that resonates with me is the fact that i do feel like “too much, and not enough.” but why? why do i feel like this? although he goes on to say, “some of this is simply selfishness on the part of men. Lord knows men are selfish and self-centered.” ok, ya, i guess but i also think that statement is kindov an unfair and negative sterotype of men too…this is where i get stuck again with the book. he says, “But there is something else.” and that “something else” again, ends up being that “The Enemy bears a special hatred for Eve.” and that is why men supposedly get that feeling of “back off-stay away” when given the opportunity to delve into the soul of a woman.

i’m just not buying it…again. i don’t believe it’s that simple. Relationships aren’t that simple. and for pete’s sake, you’re writing a book about women, and saying that we’re complicated

quote from John:

“To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay-bloody mess) of a woman’s soul.”

yet your answers are so very simple? it’s all satan’s fault? i don’t think so. by the way, why is he calling a woman’s soul a “bloody mess”? i find that insulting. my soul isn’t a “bloody mess”. well, not any more of a mess than any man’s soul is. i mean, come on, seriously! and even if it were true that every woman’s soul was a “bloody mess” why would you say that in a book you’re writing to/for women!?!? dumb guy.

all in all. i think i've learned a good lesson. never look to a "christian" book or any other book but the Bible, to answer as deep a question as what it means to be a woman. and never, ever, read another book for women, written by a man. (aside from God of course.)

northwest

2006-01-17T20:08:00.001-08:00

i love the northwest. i could never imagine myself living anywhere else. there's so much to do here! there's mountains for climbing, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, etc. there's ocean for beach combing, atv'ing, claming, surfing, wind surfing, etc. there's plenty of lakes for water skiing, tubing, jet skiing, fishing, etc. there's plenty of cool places to camp and yurt. you can find a place for just about any outdoor activity that you'd ever wished or dreamed of doing. i love this place!

all last weekend i was reminded of just how much i love this place. nate and i go yurting every year at Cape Lookout with a group of about 5 or 6 families with an average of 3 kids per family. (ya, you're right, that is alot! but it's so much fun!) last weekend was our annual yurting trip. we rented a small boat and went crabbing, walked on the beach at night with only the moon as a light source, watched hangliders take off from the side of the road at Cape Lookout (very exciting!), sat in a bar near the sand dunes to watch the game with a friend i never would've suspected to have any interest in football (i sure don't) and last but not least, i got in plenty of reading. so nice. so relaxing. we stayed at Cape Lookout friday and saturday night and came back into town sunday afternoon. then got up, o'dark-thirty in the morning on monday to go snowboarding on mt hood. it was my first time and today i am so sore! the snow on the mountain was perfect. the only bummer was that i leant my gloves to a little middle schooler during my snowboard lesson and found out just how bad it sucks to try and snowboard with out gloves.

although winters in the northwest rock, summers are even better! i'm getting very anxious and excited for a long, 11 day or so camping trip with nate and a couple close friends in august. nate is going to bike across the Astoria bridge on the Washington side, to Oregon and bike all the way to the california border. each night we'll set up camp in a new location and wait as the guys bike all day, then meet us at camp to sleep for the night, then get up and bike all day again....i'm glad i'm not the one biking! whew! it should be really fun though for those of us who are driving, setting up camp and then sitting around all day waiting for the bikers. i'm one of them! ;-) i can't wait!

captivating

2006-01-09T12:35:00.001-08:00

ok, so there is no part two to "boys-n-crushes" after all.....there was gonna be. but i got distracted. i was going to tell about how i was crushing on some other boy all the while blair was crushing on me and the irony of that. and i was going to post some of my own personal diary entries on the topic just to balance out the embarrassing musings of blair....but no one really wants to hear about that anyway, right? right. i thought so. ;-)

so here's what i got distracted by. here's some history first: so lately i've been looking for a good, christian book to help me figure out what it means to be a woman. and not just any woman, but a christian woman. a book that would help me separate the cultural messages from the "god" messages. frankly, i don't want to hear about who the american culture tells me i need to be as a woman because i've listened to those all my life and all they end up telling me is that i don't measure up. that i'm not pretty enough, that i'm too pretty, that i'm not independent enough, that i'm too independent, that motherhood is the best, that motherhood holds you back, and on and on and on....conflicting messages.

but when i look towards "christian" books for an answer, all I get in response is that i talk too much, feel too much, cry too much, dream too much, have too many opinions, don't "serve" enough and never "stay in my place."

can't i be assertive without being labeled a bitch? can't i be nice without being labeled a pushover? can't i agree with the core ideals of the feminist movement without being labeled a femi-nazi or man-hater? can't i enjoy aspects of my femininity without being stereotyped into a category of women who like tea parties? (more power to women who love tea parties - they're just not for me!) can't i be respectful of my husbands wishes and allow him to lead without whispers behind my back saying i must be "one of those submissive house-wives who let's her husband tell her who she should be...." it's all a bunch of crap. and it's coming at me from all sides and every direction. i'm covered in crap here! i'm tired of all the BS! where is the happy-medium?

this is what brought me to the bookstore the other day. after wading through a bunch of "christian" books on a "woman's role" i found this one. "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge. the title alone grabbed me, so I read the introduction:

Now we are on holy ground.
Writing a book for men (Wild at Heart) was a fairly straightforward proposition. Not that men are simpletons. But they are the less complicated of the two genders trying to navigate love and life together. Both men and women know this to be true. The mystery of the feminine heart was meant to be a good thing, by the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a source of shame--women almost universally feel that they are "too much" and "not what they should be." And men tend to pull away from the deeper waters of a woman's soul, unsure of what they will find there or how to handle it. And so we have missed the treasure that is the heart of a woman, missed the richness femininity was meant to bring to our lives, missed the way it speaks to us of the heart of God.

Rest assured--this is not a book about all the things you are failing to do as a woman. We're tired of those books. As a new Christian, the first book I (Stasi) picked up to read on godly femininity I threw across the room. I never picked it up again. In the twenty-five years since, I have only read a few I could wholeheartedly recommend. The rest drive me crazy. Their messages to women make me feel as though, "You are not the woman you ought to be--but if you do the following ten things, you can make the grade." They are, by and large, soul-killing. But femininity cannot be prescribed in a formula.

We have women friends who love tea parties and china, and friends who break out in hives at the thought of them. We have women friends who love to hunt, bow hunt even. Women who love to entertain and women who don't. Women who are professors, moms, doctors, nurses, missionaries, dentists, homemakers, therapists, chefs, artists, poets, rock climbers, triathletes, secretaries, salespeople, and social workers. Beautiful women, all.

So--is a true woman Cinderella or Joan of Arc? Mary Magdalene or Oprah? How do we recover essential femininity without falling into stereotypes, or worse, ushering in more pressure and shame upon our readers? That is the last thing a woman needs. And yet, there is an essence that God has given to every woman. We share something deep and true, down in our hearts. So we venture into this exploration of femininity by way of the heart. What is at the core of a woman's heart? What are her desires? What did we long for as little girls? What do we still long for as women? And, how does a woman begin to be healed from the wounds and tragedies of her life?

Sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday, something precious has been lost. And that treasure is your heart, your priceless feminine heart. God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating.

So we invite you to take a journey with us, a journey of discovery and healing. For your heart is the prize of God's Kingdom, and Jesus has come to win you back for himself--all of you. We pray that God will use this book in your life, in your heart, to bring healing, restoration, joy, and life! And if God does that, it will be cause for a wonderful celebration. With teacups and china. Or paper plates. Whatever. One day, we will all celebrate together. In anticipation and hope, may this little book draw you closer to God's heart--and your own.

wow. how refreshing - i am so reading this book! and i'm telling all my girlfriends about it! this is what i've been waiting for. i can't wait to dig in!

boys-n-crushes (part one)

2006-01-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

so i was going through an old box of notes, letters and old keepsakes that i’ve stashed away in the attic. it is so much fun going through things that you haven’t seen in a while….especially old letters! i have about two or three shoeboxes full of letters dating way back to when i was a little kid. i went to a private school from kindergarden thru around 3rd or 4th grade, when my family moved away and my mom began homeschooling. i was determined to keep the friendships i had started in private school and decided to exchange addresses with them and stay connected through letters.

as i was shuffling through all the letters i’d kept over the years (because once i’d kept one, it became a habit to keep every letter i ever received) i saw one with a return address and name that said eric (name changed for privacy). i thought to myself, “eric, eric….eric…why/how do i know that name?” so, i opened the letter and started reading. this is what i read first:

Hi Ya TJ,

This letter is going to start very very seriously. I want you to be honest in answering me. What exactly do you think about me liking you? Please be HONEST. […]

i immediately remembered…and how could i forget? this was the Canadian guy that i met when i went with my church to a winter youth camp thingy in Canada called Avalanche. I was 14 and it was right before my trip to the Philippines. truth be told, i don’t remember actually meeting him…but i do remember my friends and i had nick-named him the “aboat man” because of his Canadian accent. and the whole “TJ” thing…..well, that was during the period in my life when, for whatever reason, i wanted to be called something other than my own name. T.J. are my initials. Teresa June.

he continued…

I have to tell you right now, like after Avalanche, I really, really miss you, and I don’t know how to explain this feeling I get whenever I think about you (almost everday.) […]

and then it all came flooding back….ya – how could i forget this guy….i remember feeling a little flattered, a little embarrassed and sorry for him but also a lot annoyed at him all in one! flattered because…well, i don’t think being flattered really needs an explanation. but sorry for him because…poor guy – not only was he sharing revealing and possibly risky information about his feelings for me, but it seemed like instead of simply spilling his guts – which would have been bad enough – he was really ripping every internal organ out of his body and laying them on a table and pleading and begging me to smash them!

but annoyed at him all at the same time because i remember feeling like no matter how i tried to tell him i wasn’t interested “that way”, he never quite “got” it.

i told him in a letter and over the phone that “i just want to be friends…” you know, that whole bit…..however, it was to no avail. this is part of the very next letter i received and also parts from the 15 plus letters after that all saying the same thing!

I still keep you in mind “a lot” and I still talk about you not that I mean to, but your name keeps coming up in some of my conversations. (Most of the time with Jodie (remember her) I also never ever say anything bad about you) More or less that I would like to see you again. […] It’s 11:20pm and I haven’t heard from you in a while. […] So are you planning on going Avalanche ’96? I sure hope you guys bring a group from the states again. Another reason, I have some good friends who would like to meet you guys. (Yes, I talk about you a lot, nothing bad or personal, more or less, on how much I like you!) To be honest, you’re the only girl I really talk about. My interest in other girls isn’t as strong as what it used to be since I met you. In fact, I don’t really “eye” up girls anymore. […]

oh boy! and it only got worse after he attended a Promise Keepers conference – that’s really when the intestines started to fly!

[…] this conference was and is the best conference I have ever attended. […] To be honest when they got into the section on relationships (marriage) that’s when I fully felt I had to go to Vancouver and see you. (Please don’t get upset) Just listen. (or read) I know you just want to be friends and I fully respect that (since I really would not like being enemies). Anyways, I’m going to tell you again that I believe in my heart that you are the girl for me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just going to the dogs. (I mean…I get love-sick everytime I think about you) I’ve even been called a love-sick puppy. :) Ever since I’ve met you I’ve tried to come and see you, but it seems to never work out right. I don’t know why!! I guess it just in God’s time when things will work out. Just need to have patience. (and a lot of it). I do have to tell you this one thing though. You are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met!! I couldn’t tell you if my timing is right or not. I’m just writing what came to my mind, and I pray that it’s what God wants me to write. Things could change and we may never see each other again (pray they don’t). As I said, I believe that you are the one. It’s a matter of growing closer together (may take a few years or a few weeks, who knows), but I know that our “relatioship” as friends can only get better. I don’t want to lose contact with you, at all. […] I still don’t know if your thoughts have changed towards me (I doubt it), but I just break into tears everytime I think about not being able to see you. sometimes LOVE hurts :( […]

he goes on to talk about meeting my parents sometime, and me meeting his parents….etc. and he signed the above letter “your love-sick friend, blair”. Needless to say, after the above letter I began opening each letter after that from him, squinting as I read it, for fear that I would be really, really embarrassed for him this time….any minute…..he’s – going – to – say – something – way – over – the – top……I can’t look!

eric had to be experiencing the worst crush of all time and i was the victim!

(to be continued…)

thank you

2005-12-29T18:44:00.000-08:00

here's to the peaceful feeling that comes with knowing I'm not in control of anything...and that's ok. in fact. it's a wonderful thing. and here's to knowing that everything happens for a reason.....and that's ok too.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morissette - Supposed former...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

although i don't identify with all of the thank-you's listed - antibiodics? overeating? masochistic? uhhh, no. but most of them i do....although i've never been to india - the philippines was my india.....i learned so much from that experience in so many ways. bawling my eyes out? ya. finally forgiving and remembering how hard it is each time i have to do it again? ya. frailty but not wanting anyone else to know to the point of pushing them away? ya. letting go and yet there's always one more thing to release? ya. silence - when i love it and when i hate it? ya. transparent dangling carrots - and the feeling that "normality" is always just two steps away but why can't i ever get there? ya. getting more than I can handle? ya. consequence? ya. terror? ya. disillusionment? ya. blaming? ya. never fully enjoying a moment for fear it wouldn't last? ya. grieving way too much all at the same time? oh ya.

the year 2005 is coming to a close and i already know that this year, along with '98 were and always will be, milestone years in my life that i will never forget. this song has been relevant to me ever since it came out, but it's especially relevant to me this year. i feel like i've dealt with all of the above at some point in the last 7 months of 2005 and now that it's coming to a close, I also feel like all the drama is figuratively on it's way to coming to a close as well. and what a relief. to be able to step back and look at all the crap, and still be able to say....whew, that was a close one - how did i make it? and how am i still alive and able to function on a daily basis without resentment, denial, anger, and all those things that make it all that much more difficult to deal with in itself without those added coping mechanisms? don't get me wrong, i still harbor coping mechanisms that aren't great. but i'm very thankful that somehow, maybe between all the prayers, all the overwhelming, supportive friendships, and God's grace, that i've been able to pull through it all.....and i'm still breathing.

mighty/modest mouse

2005-12-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

i just got a mighty mouse! i'm sooooo excited! i love it!

and speaking of mouses...uh, mice....whatever - here's a modest mouse song. i've been through a lot of crap this year but i know it's all apart of His plan and that i'm learning something through it all. i've been feeling lately that everything is ok....so, here's to feeling like "when it rains, it pours" but in the end "we'll all float on ok."

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
~Modest Mouse - Float On - Good News for People...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

google

2005-12-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

OK. me too.

What to do:
Go to google and write your name and the word ‘needs’, in quotes — as in “matt needs”. notice the first 10 sensical sentences that come up." here's what i got when i tried "teresa needs" ...

1. Teresa needs help Tech Tips and Computer Help.
2. Teresa needs help. Not mental eithier at least for the moment She cant log into
the board it still acts as if it is down on her part.
3. Teresa needs one more miracle to become a saint.
4. Teresa Needs You.
5. Teresa needs to be president.
6. Teresa needs some boards cut into smaller boards but she does not want to spend much money.
7. Teresa needs help setting up and advertising the event (she only has 2 volunteers
so far!).
8. Teresa needs to work on her math skills.
9. Teresa needs to convince not just Kim, but Ethan and Tom of the merits of voting out Lex (provided he doesn't win the next immunity challenge.)
10. Teresa needs some support here...she has done so much for us, it is our turn! :)

struggle

2005-12-13T00:29:00.000-08:00

so, i have a dilemma. is there really, seriously, an way to be assertive and nice at the same time? just the other day a friend of mine made some snide comment about how if you're nice, that automatically makes you a pushover. like the two (nice and pushover) can't be separated and they're basically and/or might as well be, the same word. so I thought. well, i'd consider myself nice, but i don't think i'm a pushover....so what's that make me? nice = pushover......hmmm, assertive = bitch.

i rumbled around with that theory (albeit stolen theory) for a few days and it even so happened that another friend of mine and i stumbled upon the same topic somehow. i shared my theory with her. pushover = nice and assertive = bitch, etc. she wasn't buying it. she said "i think you pull it off well...you're very nice but also assertive and hold your ground when you need to.." ahhhh, that was nice. and i felt better too.

couple days later, i'm talking to my wonderful mother in-law. she proceeds to tell me that all she ever hears about from people is how much they like me and how nice i am. and that no one has a negative thing to say about me...blah, blah, blah. well, i felt better after that too.

stolen theory: pushover = nice and assertive = bitch......FOILED! and i was proud of myself.....and a little smug maybe.

then it happened. i received an email regarding one of my attempts at being assertive yet not bitchy. i failed, miserably. what was intended to be a casual and playful confronting, instead went horribly and awfully wrong. i suck. and i really must be the "assertive = bitch" type of person.

i really don't understand....and i have to admit i am completely and utterly shocked.

messy

2005-12-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

this song, really speaks to my yoyo self right now. the yoyo self that i have a hard time accepting. however, the truth that i am known by Him. and that it's ok. i've found myself hopping back and forth between feeling sure of the decisions i've made recently and at the same time feeling like the decisions i've made, i haven't really made for myself at all.

It's been so long, said it's been too long
Can't remember when I've felt so known
You're so warm shelter me from the storm
And the fears that are just so cold

when i'm feeling sure of the decisions i've made, the notion that "i'm not really making any difference after all because my life's been so messy" and that "i can't possibly be making a difference...", etc., etc. flow in and the first part of the following verses ring true.

They're telling me things get messy when you care
Things are messy everywhere
and don't I know it,
don't I show it
Every time I look away
'cause what can I do
what can I say to help myself
Or to help anybody else

when i'm feeling that i haven't really made these decisions for myself and that i was somehow "trapped" by this looming "responsibility" that i couldn't deny even if i tried, that's when the second part of the following verses ring true. "You meet me in my need...." how could i deny anyone else when He's met me in my need in the middle of my mess?

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And You go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time
just what I needed
to see I needed You

and then again, His peace settles over me with the assurance that it's all apart of His plan....my yoyo self goes through this pattern almost everyday...sometimes almost every hour.

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You~Jill Paquette

deep fried turkey

2005-11-27T23:49:00.000-08:00

so we had deep fried turkey this year like we do every year. at least we have for the past five anyway...so, taking a look at the photo below....which one would you guess was deep fried?

well....they both were actually. the black one wasn't actually burnt as you might have thought....the marinating sauce that we used, we spread all over the outside of the turkey and for some reason just got all black. the meat was actually very good - go figure!

recipe

2005-11-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

"Treat yourself to..." as my recipe card says...Chinese Chicken Salad.

i really despise cooking. i really don't like it. i don't know why. i'm just not one of those women who get enjoyment out of cooking or baking....however, i've found that if i must cook, the recipe must be one of those - throw all the ingredients together...and you're done, sort of recipes. the following is one of those. i make it only about once or twice a year. thanksgiving and sometimes christmas. i got this recipe from my grandma and i absolutely love this salad! it is really good! i have no idea why it's called chinese chicken salad...because i don't think it is chinese....in any case...here it is. if you decide to try it sometime...shoot me a note telling me how you liked it.

Salad ingredients (all mixed together in one large bowl)
1 head nappa cabbage (torn/cut into bite-size pieces; like you'd cut any other lettuce for a salad)
2-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts. chopped into cubes and cooked. (i usually use 3)
4-5 chopped, green onions (i usually use 4)
4 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 oz. slivered almonds
2 pks uncooked Ramen noodles. crumbled into bits. (chicken flavor)

Dressing ingredients (all mixed together, then pour on top of salad)
1/2 cup oil (i use vegetable oil)
6 tablespoons Rice Vinegar (i use the oriental green label with no sugar or sodium)
4 teasoons sugar
3-4 tablespoons sesame oil (i use 4)
a dash of cayen pepper
2 packets of chicken flavoring (from the Ramen noodles pks)

after you pour the dressing ingredients on top of the salad, let the salad sit overnight (or at least several hours) before eating. this way all the oils soak in and it's much better!

itunes

2005-11-14T00:18:00.000-08:00

Just for fun....go to your itunes and search the library to answer the questions below....then give me a link to your blog so i can read yours. below are my answers.

How many songs?
2432 (and i'm not yet finished importing all my cd's)

Sort by song title:
First: Yakuza Oren 1 - The Rza (Kill Bill - Volume One)
Last: Zero - Smashing Pumpkins listen

Sort by time:
First: Speach:Paul - The Beatles Anthonlogy 1 -Disc 1 (0:07)
Last: Blind Frail (Hidden Track) - Jars of Clay (27:15)
Although because I don't want to copy Kenny, I'll also put down the second longest song: Atom Heart Mother Suite - Pink Floyd (23:44)

Sort by album:
First: Megalomaniac - Incubus - A Crow Left of The Murder listen
Last: You're The Only One - Maria Mena listen

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. Without Condition - Ginny Owens listen (i created a video with this one that i'll have to get posted up here somehow...)
2. I'm With You - Avril Lavigne listen
3. My Lullaby - Maria Mena listen or read my post on it.
4. Gotta Get Thru This - Daniel Bedingfield listen (i like to run to this one)
5. Psychobabble - Frou Frou listen

Find "death", How many songs come up?
1. Death Of A Party - Blur listen

Find "love", How many songs come up?
198

that was fun. thanks Kenny. ;-)

latest

2005-11-07T19:11:00.000-08:00

(above - my newest doodle)
so i've been contemplating creating a separate blog for my doodles and other misc. stuff i've designed....i don't know though, i'd want the blog template to be original and i'm not so sure i have the time to do that...actually i know i don't have the time for it...secretly i've been searching the web for free templates to use but i just can't bring myself to do it...i want to design one myself. speaking of which, i've been working on a new layout/design for this blog but just haven't had the time to work all the kinks out...oh well...eventually - when you're all good and tired of this one...i'll get it done and it'll be about time!

crime scene

2005-11-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

so, wednesday morning i got up and headed out my front door on my way to work and across the street the entire block was taped off by police. police men were standing around and there were a couple police cars parked around and inside the taped off area. i wondered about it all day and then last night on the 6-oclock news, they announced that a 14-year old girl was found dead in the basement of the apartment. apparently at about 1am Wednesday morning police were responding to a "burglary in progress." when they got there, there were no signs of breaking and entering and they found the girl, dead. all day yesterday they interviewed the three men that live at the apartment where she was found. the girl didn't live there...she actually goes to a high school completely on the other side of town....

a police car was there, watching the apartment all night last night. the police and news people are calling it a "suspicious death."
they're not releasing any more information than that. they did an autopsy on the girl Wednesday afternoon but aren't releasing the cause of death yet. the girl was identified and the family has requested that her name not be released yet....

it's just weird. and sad. very sad. this girl was one year older than my youngest brother and only one year younger than my youngest sister....it's just very sad and a little freaky to imagine something like this happening so close....and she was so young...

in my head

2005-10-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

ok, so i take back what i said in the last post about how i'm not able to find music/lyrics that adequately express the little joys in life...this song is a favorite of mine...i'm drawn to it because of it's steady resolve and underlying thankfulness for everything life brings...good or bad. i don't know how to say this without sounding cheezy - but i really feel that music is God's gift to me...His way of identifying with me...His way of reaching me.....every-time i've felt i've drawn closer to God in our relationship or had a "breakthough" revealing His character, it's been through a song....

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because You are

In my head, You're always in my head
In my dreams, You're always in my head
In my pain, You're always in my head
In my peace, You're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence; it's in tune with the music in my head
If You were a shoulder You're where I would rest, but I am Your
vessel so I hear, You

In my head, You're always in my head
In my fears, You're always in my head
In my joy, You're always in my head
In my tears, You're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

How can I live a day without music?
How can I live a day without You?
~India.Arie - Always In My Head - Acoustic Soul
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

survival

2005-10-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

"The reason I do photographs is to help people understand my music, so it's very important that I am the same, emotionally, in the photographs as in the music. Most people's eyes are much better developed than their ears. If they see a certain emotion in the photograph, then they'll understand the music."
Björk, Index Magazine, July 2001

not only do I like her music....i love her photographs. the pic above is from her website where she lists photographs and video-stills associated with each song. hyper-ballad has always been a favorite of mine despite it's morbidity. i might even go as far as to say maybe because of it's morbidity actually. and no - despite the fact that a lot of my posts here aren't exactly "happy-happy-joy-joy" posts, i don't actually seek out nor do i enjoy negativity....ask anyone who spends any time with me; i'm very much an optimist and thoroughly enjoy all the happy moments in my life that do exist - and there are many. however, i do find it difficult to find songs/lyrics that adequately express, grasp and convey those moments and the feelings associated with them. and i think i like that because it makes me wonder if that's because those little, happy moments that happen in life are so huge in their meaning and significance that not even music or words can express.....anyway, probably not - but just a thought. (i'm not ever sure if any of that made any sense....oh well, whatever.)

anyway - that said. the reason i like it's morbidity is because i find analogies in it that i feel directly link to a time in my life as a child where i felt very trapped in my very existence. it's almost as if this song legitimizes my feelings at the time.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way to start the day

when i look back, i realize that during that time i really had developed coping skills in order to survive. i felt like we lived on a mountain....far away, isolated from others....trapped. i could see all the beauty outside my window, but was not able to reach it for some reason. it became a habit for me to not even think about what it could/would be like to exist in the beautiful environment that I saw on the "outside" but only how to stop it all, and what it would look like, and would anyone even notice? all the while not even knowing for sure if the "beauty" i was seeing was actually a better place than where I was.

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

it wasn't until i moved out on my own that i began to sleep deeper. i was always a very light sleeper; waking at almost nothing. there was a "checklist" of sorts that i always reviewed to myself about how to behave, how to correctly do such-n-such a task, how to be as quiet as a mouse in order to not wake anyone up before they got up on their own. or else. if i just follow my checklist of things to accomplish in a day without screwing up, then i'll be fine and i'll be safe.

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Safe up ( here with you ) ...
~Björk - Hyper-Ballad - Post
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

it's amazing to me the many coping-mechanisms that children are capable of creating and using in an unhealthy environment just to survive......i'm hoping to finish putting down those old habits.....it's going to take a lot of work - but i plan on doing it because i refuse to become who i came from.

black & white

2005-10-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

i will never begin to have enough words to describe how i feel about sarah. her writing, vocals and music is filled with so much feeling. she would be special simply because i feel that i relate to just about every song she's written but she's even more special to me because my first date with nate was at a concert of hers here in portland. that night was one of the best dates of my life so far.....reminiscing on that moment makes me happy....this songs speaks to where i'm at right now. sarah's music will always be bitter-sweet to me. bitter, only because her lyrics are a reminder of a broken childhood and continual dysfunction going on in my life today - sweet, because of the memories associated with her music and the conversations started with those closest to me, based on her lyrics.

Unravel me
A distant cord
On the outside is forgotten
A constant need

To get along
And the animal awakens
And all I feel is black and white

The road is long
The memory slides
To the whole of my undoing
Put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Unravel me
Untie this chord
The very centre of our union
Is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Everybody loves you when you're easy
Everybody hates when you're a bore
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so
Don't disappoint them
~Sarah McLachlan - Black & White - Surfacing
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

exhale and live

2005-10-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

[...] Sometimes you’ll laugh
Sometimes you’ll cry
Life never tells us, the when’s or why’s
When you’ve got friends, to wish you well
You’ll find your point when
You will exhale [...]~Whitney Houston - Exhale

last night i had a chance to hang out with a couple girlfriends of mine that i haven't seen in a long time. although it had only been a matter of months, it had seemed like we had been apart for years. we met at applebees for happy hour and talked until the restaurant closed. then we continued to talk in the parking lot until they turned the lights out......i could've stayed up and talked to these gals all night....it was so refreshing - so needed.

i got home around 1:30 and hit the sack but for some reason i couldn't sleep...i tossed and turned all night. i couldn't stop thinking about the things we'd discussed. about 10 major, significant things that had turned my whole world upside-down since i had talked to them, since may of this year....it was just so much to go over. much of it i haven't even begun to process yet and i've been simply "surviving" just to make it everyday. as i lay there with my eyes wide open i told myself "just stop thinking. don't think....about anything. think of blank...nothing. stop thinking." but i couldn't, no matter how hard i tried.

i just want a break. i don't want to own the figure of speech "when it rains, it pours." i don't want it to be mine. but it has been for months now. i would love to let it all go...and then exhale. i guess i'm just not there yet....i'm still holding my breath. as my friend said last night, "i'm just feeling a little gun-shy." me too. i'm holding my breath but i don't want to be. i want to exhale and live. free my mind to sleep. free myself to weep.

Don't look back now
Don't look back over years gone by
They're gone and now its time to live
Don't look back now
You have to let your childhood go
And then you'll find a peace within

And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep
And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep

Don't be afraid
You have so many choices
Hold your head up high and say goodbye
No second thoughts
You have a future waiting
Take my hand and I will show the way
~Donna Lewis - Simone - Now In A Minute
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

quirks

2005-10-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

little known facts about me, just because. some of these things are what has convinced my husband that I must have obsessive compulsive disorder. ;-)

1) when putting the lid on my fast food cup or my coffee, i like to position the seam of the cup facing away from me and the lid so that I can read whatever is on the top of it when I take a sip from the straw. (there IS a reason for this too, believe it or not and it's a good one at that.)

2) if there is a spill on our table at a restaurant and there is a napkin handy i always clean it up.

3) i always arrange the sugar packets so that each type is grouped together. i'm a sugar separatist. :-p

4) my favorite shoes are black. my car is black. my dog is black. i'm drawn to black and white only advertisements. i want a black only tattoo, no other colors. i do all my doodling with a black ink or flow pen. my strongest creative pieces have been in all black and white. if you ask me what my favorite color is, i'll tell you it's green or blue.

5) i burp real loud. sometimes i forget where i'm at and burp real loud in fancy restaurants - nate just turns his head and momentarily acts like he doesn't know me. i do the same with him when he let's a fart rip and it ends up being louder and stinkier than he anticipated.

6) i do my best reflecting and thinking on life while in the car driving with the music blaring. i think of a ton of things to blog about in the car but they never make it back with me to the computer.

7) when i see a stranger in the car next to me bobbing to music i turn on the radio and try to find the radio station they're listening to.

8) i'm one of those people that take the exit lane (or any open lane for that matter) as far as i can before merging back into traffic during rush hour.

9) i secretly want to learn to dance but would never make it for fear of looking like an idiot during the transition from non-dancer to dancer. and even if i did buck up and learn to dance i would never actually go to a club and actually dance.

10) i'm terribly forgetful.

11) i hate those drivers that speed up really fast at the start of a green light just to beat me when I'm not even racing them....and then slow down. i'm one of those drivers.

12) i use the word "serious" way to often. "seriously?" "are you serious?" "no, serious?" "seriously!" "come on, serious?" "seriously now....really...come on...for serious."

13) i forget my closest friends' birthdays and anniversaries but remember other people's birthdays whom i'm not especially close to.

14) i've made it a very deliberate habit of mine to turn my turn signal on before i hit my brakes to start turning. it really drives me nuts when drivers start slowing down and give absolutely no indication to the person behind them, why in the world they are slowing down.

15) i refuse to turn into an old lady that thinks "kids nowadays are just so terrible! when i was a kid...." i want to be a cool old lady that continues to enjoy new things.

16) i like to play DDR. my sister got me into it. and as if that wasn't dorky enough by itself; i like to do it for exercise on "workout" mode.

17) i like to eat saltines crackers with butter on them. i love potatoes - pretty much any form. fried, baked, it doesn't matter. i could live off potatoes. when i was little I used to make peanut butter and sugar sandwiches.

kitty almond roca

2005-10-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

a couple posts ago I mentioned how I loved my dogs. it's true. I really do. but I don't love that they love kitty almond roca! i.e. poop that's been carefully buried by it's owner in the litter box. it's not meant to be touched after that; especially by a dog's mouth! Yeuukkk!

Click on the picture below to make some yourself!

contact

2005-10-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

piggy backing on my other post today, crash - and because we get to go see him at a club in Portland November 3rd!

You're walking down the street
You've got this white Chevy Lumina undercover
Checking you to see
They're checking your I.D.
'Cause it's a fine time
It's a fine time
It's a fine time
Say just to run a name
'Cause you look the same
As the dude with the rebel in his veins
But while you're checking me
You've got them crooked politicians
Eating up the treasury
And taking our cash
To spend on the prisons
While the youth they fast
Now I'm waiting on the day
When we can all bring
Like Martin Luther King
This is why I sing

I want some contact contact
Contact contact
Only because my life depends on it
~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

crash

2005-10-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.~Graham

as humans, we crave personal relationship. we were created to experience personal relationship in it's fullest and most wonderful capacity - then something went horribly wrong. since we can't get it the way God intended, we grapple, scratch, and grasp for it, eventually attaining only a semblance of the real thing.

i watched this movie about a month ago. i haven't been able stop thinking about it since. it's such a great movie. very moving - thought provoking. it's one I will add to my very small, very selective collection of DVDs.

listen to the soundtrack.
check out the film website.

dogs

2005-10-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

oh a dog's life. *sigh*

aside from the occasional pesky flee, how nice would it be to have such a carefree and worry free existence....hmmm.

I see this picture and I so love my dogs - and I so need a vacation! This is where I'm at right now.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like storms to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
~Jennifer Knapp - Kansas

friggin' idiot

2005-09-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

"What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life, make me look like a friggin' idiot?" - Napoleon Dynamite

unlike napoleon, i don't need anyone to make me look like a friggin' idiot....i do that just fine all by myself.

so, i poked my eye with my finger on monday. i'm a retard. and yes, it was an accident. ya, i poked it so bad that my cornea has a big 'ol finger nail scratch on it! man - eye injuries suck! monday night i couldn't sleep because every time my eyes started to roll back further in my head when i would start to get into a little deeper sleep, i would wake up in pain because my eye lid was scraping on the scratch on my cornea....it was bad. the doc gave me vicodin to take. ya, that made me throw up. fortunately this morning i woke up feeling fine and don't even need a tylenol. the opthamologist said that the cornea is the best place to injure your eye because it's the fastest healing; it's also the place that hurts the worst because of all the nerve endings.....so, hurt a lot for a little while, or hurt a little for a long while....hmmmm. in the end, i'm glad to have had the extreme pain-short term.

lesson learned: don't poke yourself in the eye....not a good idea.
check out my gimpy eye.

"mmmMMMmmmmmm....With my naked eye I saw - all the falling rain - coming down on me...…"

harry potter vs. narnia

2005-09-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

Nate and I ran into a couple in the hot tub at Skamania Lodge about a month ago. we didn't know them but the guy signaled to the book nate was reading and commented approvingly on his choice. nate was reading mere christianity by c.s. lewis. love c.s. lewis! so, we started talking about what a great author, thinker, philosopher c.s. lewis was and what great books he put out. that lead us to the chronicles of narnia (sp?) series and our excitement at the new movie coming out on the series....as the conversation progressed we were able to deduct that they were "religious" of some sort and they realized the same of us, or at least it was assumed when we mentioned that both of us work at our church full time).......we were doing fine and connecting well until the guy said "oh we just love c.s. lewis and the chronicles of narnia. it's such a great way for kids to learn about good and evil [...] but you know those harry potter books they've got out these days....they're just plain evil! it's just a shame how parents let their kids read that garbage [...] you know i've seen kids before and after reading those books and their whole outlook changes....they become depressed and angry [...] blah, blah, blah....

our conversation was over after that, just as soon as it began. what was i supposed to say to that? we just kinda responded like, "oh really?" and there wasn't much to say after that......they just assumed that because we worked at a church we would hold the same opinions as them.......it really baffles me how christians get soooo legalistic and judgmental. i'm still baffled to this day at how i so quickly became that way when i was 15....thankfully i got over that quick....

what is the difference between the magic in the chronicles of narnia that c.s. lewis writes about and the magic in harry potter? if the guy's case on the matter is that the narnia books are great for showing kids good and evil......harry potter does just that! they both include magic. seriously, am i really missing something that's very terribly wrong with harry potter? i'm willing to hear someone's debate on this if they think i'm wrong....maybe i'll hear some feedback that'll make me change my mind. but until then.....i think all the negative hubbub surrounding harry potter is stupid and just another way for religious christians to create an "in" or "out" of the club mentality towards other people and makes it easier for them to reject people while feeling justified in doing so.

making fun

2005-09-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

so I recently suedo-admonished a friend of mine for not being able to take a joke. for taking things too seriously and getting annoyed by the very fun, yet very nerdy prank me and some other nerds (who will remain nameless) pulled at his expense. after having said that some of you now know what I'm talking about. for those of you who don't, unfortunately you will have to remain in the dark unless the poor soul whom we pranked decides to share it with you....

so back to the reason for this post. i got to thinking about my suedo-admonishment towards my friend and wondered "really how i would feel if i had been pranked in the same way?" of course, i immediately respond to myself by saying "i would totally just get over it, laugh about it, and in general be a good sport." myself spoke yet again and countered by saying "well then how would you prove that? how do you know how you would respond in the same situation?" i didn't have such a quick response after that and i do believe that there is really no way to predict, how i would respond in the same situation however, i did come up with a good way to test whether i'm a good sport or not when it comes to poking fun at myself........and THAT my friends is what follows below!

that's right! i was 15 and wanted to be a model, so what does every 15 year old girl do when they want to start putting a portfolio together? get Glamour Shots done! of course!

Oh, but that's not all.... because you know that this is really great black-mail material and even if i were to stop here, it would certainly be enough but nooooo! to prove that i'm a good sport about it, I'm gonna give you more!

now you've seen the green & gold outfit....how about the white and black outfits?

are you still alive? can you handle more? ok, this is about it.....this is the last of all I have....

ok! now it's your turn! let me have it!

actually what would be really fun is if you guys all downloaded the pics, drew on my face too, then posted them in your comments! i'd love to see all your beautiful artwork on my face............go!

imix

2005-09-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Click on the pic above to see my new running imix in itunes. This is one of my top favorite playlists to run to. (see below for explanation on why this one as opposed to the last one I posted is now my favorite.) However, there are 5 more songs on my playlist that itunes does not yet have available. So here is the order and titles in case you find them elsewhere....

1. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce - Dangerously in Love
2. All or Nothing - Athena Cage - Save The Last Dance Soundtrack
3. Breathe - Telepopmusik - Genetic World
4. Gotta Get Thru This (D'n'D Radio Edit) - Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This
5. Ready Or Not (Dance Mix) - Fugees
6. Can't Get You Out of My Head - Kylie Minogue - Fever
7. Wherever You Are (I Feel Love) - Laava - Wherever You Are (I Feel Love) EP
8. The Edge - Eiffel 65 - Europop
9. Burn for You - Kreo' - Perfect Playlist: Dance, Vol. 1
10. Scatman - Scatman John
11. Sanstorm - Darude - Radikal Techno, Vol. 5
12. Crazy Train - Madonna & Ozzy
13. Stole - Kelly Rowland - Simply Deep
14. My Life - Mary J. Blige - My Life
15. Emotional Rollercoaster - Vivian Green - A Love Story

Enjoy!

P.S. As you will see, some of the songs are repeats from the last playlist that I posted but, go figure, after using that playlist a couple of times...I ended up hating it!! Some of the songs just got old way too fast...for example: one of outcasts' songs repeated the "female dog" word (you know which one I'm talking about) over and over in varying ways until the song was over....that got real old, real fast and just made me mad...not energized after the workout...SO! This is a good one!
P.S.S. To see more of my imixes, just click on "see all imixes by this user" and it will take you to any others I've put together.

too good

2005-09-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay and let me love you..
~Frankie Valli - The Very Best of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Nate and I first heard this song when we watched the movie Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. For some reason we love the movie and we have adopted this song as "our song." I like Lauryn Hill's version of it better which is a track that is on her "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. I have the album and know it's there but for some reason itunes doesn't have it listed. If you have a chance, listen to it; it's a great song and it's made even better with the cool remake by Lauryn Hill.

...so Nate, babe this post's for you!

re-offender

2005-09-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Jones'
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
But then you do it again, you do it again

Everybody thinks you're well
Everybody thinks I'm ill
Watching me fall apart
Falling under your spell

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
And then you do it again, you do it again
And again and again and again and again
~Travis - Singles
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

isms

2005-09-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

so I walked into a public restroom about a month ago and saw a bunch of graffiti on the wall; it said:

"Death to isms!!" then under it was a bunch of examples..."racism, sexism," etc. I had to laugh as I read it though because although I agree with the written message.....I'm thinking to myself what about the bigger message, the unspoken message you're (whoever it was) communicating......what about vandalism?

....I have yet to get the bumper sticker that says "BE the change you wish to see in the world" to put on my car....fighting isms like racism, sexism, etc. is always easier said than done....I believe change happens one person at a time and starts with the individual themselves.

really, what kind of social change is going to be brought about against "isms" by vandalizing on a wall in a public restroom....come on!

long overdue

2005-08-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm long overdue in getting this out since being tagged by mary. so here goes...

HISTORY
10 years ago: I was 16. I don't really remember much of my 16th year. I know I didn't have the traditional 16th birthday party or anything special.....either that or I don't remember it.....I do remember however that the year before I went with Teen Missions International and a group of 24 other kids and 4 leaders to the Phillippines.....that was a really great experience for me...I came back with a completely different and significantly positive world view (one less sheltered), which was positive although a down side of the trip was that I came back way over-religious towards my siblings. I don't really know how it happened either but it affected them so much that even today they still comment on how damaging it was for them and our relationship.....when I look back on that time in my life I shudder to think I was really like that.....but I guess that's how you learn....

5 years ago: Let's see...that would make me 21....Hmmmm.....I had been married for a year by then to my incredible hubby. (who spoils me rotten and by the way never posts so I don't even know why I link to him anymore!) ;-) ) I think by then we had bought our first house...way out in BFE...oh, I mean Battle Ground...I was working in the accounting department at the corporate office of an Assisted Living Facility called Prestige Care as an accounting assistant. (wow, that was a mouthful) The job was a much needed change from my previous Customer Service job at ROSS. And I actually requested to be placed in the Customer Service department!! How naive was that!?!? Anyway...I don't know what else I was doing....oh, not talking to my parents? Ya, how could I forget that one?

1 year ago (in June): My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary! I was also in school full-time at the local community college studying to become a Radiation Therapist and working part-time at the PRC as their bookkeeper. I don't know much else of what happened last year that was significant....

Yesterday: What did I do yesterday? It was Saturday.....oh ya, I went shopping for tikki torches for decorating the stage for Under One Sky, then dropped nate off at McKenzie Stadum, went to Master Cuts, bought a few T-shirts, then went back to the stadium where we were setting up for Under One Sky (see below). I tried to help set up decorations but ended up running to pick up more supplies, got stuck in traffic, and by the time I came back, the decorating was done. So, since I had nothing better to do I came home and went to bed.

PRESENT
Today: I got up and went to an event my church puts on once a year called Under One Sky where on our last day of Summer Festival, the entire church meets in a huge stadium (open roof, hence the "sky" part) for one large service instead of the usual 3 services Saturday pm and 3 services Sunday am. Summer Festival, in case you were wondering, is this big thing my church does every year where a bunch of events (over 50) are planned/coordinated and jam packed into two weeks of "family fun!" (see the big smile on my face as I say that? - whenever I explain Summer Festival to people I feel like I sound like a commercial.)

Tomorrow: I am going to sleep in. I love sleeping in. I just plain love to sleep. I think that's why I like camping so much. You get to just sit around and do just about nothing all day. Hike here, nap there...a little bit of marshmallow there....ok, random...moving on...

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Pistachios
2. Smarties
3. Pepsi
4. Chocolate-covered cherries.
5. Starbucks Venti Carmel Macchiato with extra carmel.

5 bands whose songs I know most of the lyrics to:
1. Nichole Nordeman
2. Sarah McLaughlin
3. Fiona Apple
3. Radiohead
4. Alanis Morrisette

5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
1. Give to my church and other area churches.
2. Pay off the debt of my close friends and family members.
3. Put money away for future-kids' college fund(s).
4. Misc. renovation projects on my home.
5. ???????

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
1. Any cool camping spot.
2. Any place where Nate and I can hang out for a time of rest and relaxation.
3. France
4. Ireland
5. Papua, Indonesia

5 bad habits I have:
1. Being forgetful
2. Not fully listening
3. Never admitting when I'm wrong
4. Clipping my finger nails no matter where I am, no matter who's around. (Mary, you reminded me of this. I do it too!)
5. Constantly re-setting the alarm and waking up 15 minutes past when I'm supposed to each morning.

5 things I like doing:
1. Camping and/or Yurting
2. Hiking
3. Weeding my yard - there's something about it, I don't know....
4. Jogging - very slowly I might add
5. Walking with my best friend around the neighborhood

5 things I would never wear:
1. Capris - I don't know....just can't do it.
2. Anything uncomfortable
3. Leggings - haven't done it since the 80's...will never do it again....never.
4. Pegged and/or tapered jeans/pants. (ones that you have to pull over your heel to get on...ya, just bad. - I guess it's another 80's thing)
5. Hmmm, can't think of anything else....I think "anything uncomfortable" about sums it up.

5 TV shows I like:
1. 24
2. ER
3. Everybody Loves Raymond
4. Arrested Development
5. Friends

5 movies I like: (gosh, there's too many!)
1. Garden State
2. Fight Club
3. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
4. The Usual Suspect
5. Romeo & Juliet

5 famous people I'd like to meet:
There really aren't any famous people I'd like to meet....I'm sure they'd all just about turn out to be lower than my expectations of them anyway....how well do you "know" famous people anyway....I don't know. Before meeting the author of Blue Like Jazz, Don Miller, I think I would have said him I guess....

5 biggest joys at the moment:
1. Having great, supportive friends. They are my family.
2. Having a job I love.
3. Owning my own home.
4. Having two awesome dogs.
5. The security of knowing that God is seriously in capable control of everything going on in my life....even now.

5 favorite toys:
1. My ipod
2. My new camera - I got it for graduation/26th birthday. It's a Canon, Digital Rebel XT, 8 megapixel - I know you were wondering.
3. My hiking gear - I know it sounds retarded.
I can't think of any others at the moment....

5 people to tag:
In a last, desperate attempt to get the church nerds posting again, I tag:
1. Nate
2. Hohman
3. Peter
4. Kenny

& last, but not least....

5. Allan (non-church nerd - at least not one from the above listed group)

.....BTW, this is a double tag - you better get to it! ;-)

spies

2005-08-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

I awake to find no peace of mind
I said, how do you live as a fugitive?

Down here where I cannot see so clear.

I said, what do I know?
Show me the right way to go
And the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can’t touch them no
Cos they’re all spies, they’re all spies

I awake to see that no one is free
We’re all fugitives
Look at the way we live
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no

I said, which way do I turn?
I forget everything I learn
But the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can’t touch them though
Cos they’re all spies, they’re all spies

And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us
If we don’t hide now
They’re going to catch us where we sleep
And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us
~Coldplay - Parachutes

Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

for whatever reason, I was raised in a very fear-driven home. everyone else (outside the family) were always not to be trusted...."they don't understand," "they don't know," etc........there was also an ever present feeling of paranoia and irrationalism in my home life................hence "spies." and i felt like we were constantly running and always isolated; we were essentially "fugitives."

my life

2005-08-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

My Life - Mary J. Blige - My Life
**New! Click on the pic to listen to a clip from itunes!**

If you looked in my life
And see what I’ve seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I’ve seen...

Life can be only what you make it
When you’re feeling down
You should never fake it
Say what’s on your mind
And you’ll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you’ll be at peace with yourself
You won’t really need no one else
Except for the Man up above
Because He’ll give you love

If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen
You will see I'm so blue
Down and out
Crying every day
Don't know what to do or to say
If you looked into my life
And see what I've seen

Take your time
Baby don’t you rush a thing
Don’t you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don’t believe in me
Just believe in He

Cause He’ll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you will see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you’ll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

If you looked at my life
And see what I've seen
All you got to do is
Take your time
One day at a time
It's all on you
What you're going to do
If you looked at my life
And see what I've seen

office space

2005-08-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

"damn, it feels good to be a gansta!"

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four.
So, like 98 instead of 1998? Uh... so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh... I don't like my job, and, uh... I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nah-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know... I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

ok allan here's my office space. and I'm sporting my "i-hate-posing-for-pictures-and-I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-look-dorky" face. :)