in my head

ok, so i take back what i said in the last post about how i'm not able to find music/lyrics that adequately express the little joys in life...this song is a favorite of mine...i'm drawn to it because of it's steady resolve and underlying thankfulness for everything life brings...good or bad. i don't know how to say this without sounding cheezy - but i really feel that music is God's gift to me...His way of identifying with me...His way of reaching me.....every-time i've felt i've drawn closer to God in our relationship or had a "breakthough" revealing His character, it's been through a song....

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because You are

In my head, You're always in my head
In my dreams, You're always in my head
In my pain, You're always in my head
In my peace, You're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence; it's in tune with the music in my head
If You were a shoulder You're where I would rest, but I am Your
vessel so I hear, You

In my head, You're always in my head
In my fears, You're always in my head
In my joy, You're always in my head
In my tears, You're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

How can I live a day without music?
How can I live a day without You?
~India.Arie - Always In My Head - Acoustic Soul
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

survival

"The reason I do photographs is to help people understand my music, so it's very important that I am the same, emotionally, in the photographs as in the music. Most people's eyes are much better developed than their ears. If they see a certain emotion in the photograph, then they'll understand the music."
Björk, Index Magazine, July 2001

not only do I like her music....i love her photographs. the pic above is from her website where she lists photographs and video-stills associated with each song. hyper-ballad has always been a favorite of mine despite it's morbidity. i might even go as far as to say maybe because of it's morbidity actually. and no - despite the fact that a lot of my posts here aren't exactly "happy-happy-joy-joy" posts, i don't actually seek out nor do i enjoy negativity....ask anyone who spends any time with me; i'm very much an optimist and thoroughly enjoy all the happy moments in my life that do exist - and there are many. however, i do find it difficult to find songs/lyrics that adequately express, grasp and convey those moments and the feelings associated with them. and i think i like that because it makes me wonder if that's because those little, happy moments that happen in life are so huge in their meaning and significance that not even music or words can express.....anyway, probably not - but just a thought. (i'm not ever sure if any of that made any sense....oh well, whatever.)

anyway - that said. the reason i like it's morbidity is because i find analogies in it that i feel directly link to a time in my life as a child where i felt very trapped in my very existence. it's almost as if this song legitimizes my feelings at the time.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way to start the day

when i look back, i realize that during that time i really had developed coping skills in order to survive. i felt like we lived on a mountain....far away, isolated from others....trapped. i could see all the beauty outside my window, but was not able to reach it for some reason. it became a habit for me to not even think about what it could/would be like to exist in the beautiful environment that I saw on the "outside" but only how to stop it all, and what it would look like, and would anyone even notice? all the while not even knowing for sure if the "beauty" i was seeing was actually a better place than where I was.

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

it wasn't until i moved out on my own that i began to sleep deeper. i was always a very light sleeper; waking at almost nothing. there was a "checklist" of sorts that i always reviewed to myself about how to behave, how to correctly do such-n-such a task, how to be as quiet as a mouse in order to not wake anyone up before they got up on their own. or else. if i just follow my checklist of things to accomplish in a day without screwing up, then i'll be fine and i'll be safe.

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Safe up ( here with you ) ...
~Björk - Hyper-Ballad - Post
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

it's amazing to me the many coping-mechanisms that children are capable of creating and using in an unhealthy environment just to survive......i'm hoping to finish putting down those old habits.....it's going to take a lot of work - but i plan on doing it because i refuse to become who i came from.

black & white

i will never begin to have enough words to describe how i feel about sarah. her writing, vocals and music is filled with so much feeling. she would be special simply because i feel that i relate to just about every song she's written but she's even more special to me because my first date with nate was at a concert of hers here in portland. that night was one of the best dates of my life so far.....reminiscing on that moment makes me happy....this songs speaks to where i'm at right now. sarah's music will always be bitter-sweet to me. bitter, only because her lyrics are a reminder of a broken childhood and continual dysfunction going on in my life today - sweet, because of the memories associated with her music and the conversations started with those closest to me, based on her lyrics.

Unravel me
A distant cord
On the outside is forgotten
A constant need

To get along
And the animal awakens
And all I feel is black and white

The road is long
The memory slides
To the whole of my undoing
Put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Unravel me
Untie this chord
The very centre of our union
Is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Everybody loves you when you're easy
Everybody hates when you're a bore
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so
Don't disappoint them
~Sarah McLachlan - Black & White - Surfacing
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

exhale and live

[...] Sometimes you’ll laugh
Sometimes you’ll cry
Life never tells us, the when’s or why’s
When you’ve got friends, to wish you well
You’ll find your point when
You will exhale [...]~Whitney Houston - Exhale

last night i had a chance to hang out with a couple girlfriends of mine that i haven't seen in a long time. although it had only been a matter of months, it had seemed like we had been apart for years. we met at applebees for happy hour and talked until the restaurant closed. then we continued to talk in the parking lot until they turned the lights out......i could've stayed up and talked to these gals all night....it was so refreshing - so needed.

i got home around 1:30 and hit the sack but for some reason i couldn't sleep...i tossed and turned all night. i couldn't stop thinking about the things we'd discussed. about 10 major, significant things that had turned my whole world upside-down since i had talked to them, since may of this year....it was just so much to go over. much of it i haven't even begun to process yet and i've been simply "surviving" just to make it everyday. as i lay there with my eyes wide open i told myself "just stop thinking. don't think....about anything. think of blank...nothing. stop thinking." but i couldn't, no matter how hard i tried.

i just want a break. i don't want to own the figure of speech "when it rains, it pours." i don't want it to be mine. but it has been for months now. i would love to let it all go...and then exhale. i guess i'm just not there yet....i'm still holding my breath. as my friend said last night, "i'm just feeling a little gun-shy." me too. i'm holding my breath but i don't want to be. i want to exhale and live. free my mind to sleep. free myself to weep.

Don't look back now
Don't look back over years gone by
They're gone and now its time to live
Don't look back now
You have to let your childhood go
And then you'll find a peace within

And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep
And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep

Don't be afraid
You have so many choices
Hold your head up high and say goodbye
No second thoughts
You have a future waiting
Take my hand and I will show the way
~Donna Lewis - Simone - Now In A Minute
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

quirks

little known facts about me, just because. some of these things are what has convinced my husband that I must have obsessive compulsive disorder. ;-)

1) when putting the lid on my fast food cup or my coffee, i like to position the seam of the cup facing away from me and the lid so that I can read whatever is on the top of it when I take a sip from the straw. (there IS a reason for this too, believe it or not and it's a good one at that.)

2) if there is a spill on our table at a restaurant and there is a napkin handy i always clean it up.

3) i always arrange the sugar packets so that each type is grouped together. i'm a sugar separatist. :-p

4) my favorite shoes are black. my car is black. my dog is black. i'm drawn to black and white only advertisements. i want a black only tattoo, no other colors. i do all my doodling with a black ink or flow pen. my strongest creative pieces have been in all black and white. if you ask me what my favorite color is, i'll tell you it's green or blue.

5) i burp real loud. sometimes i forget where i'm at and burp real loud in fancy restaurants - nate just turns his head and momentarily acts like he doesn't know me. i do the same with him when he let's a fart rip and it ends up being louder and stinkier than he anticipated.

6) i do my best reflecting and thinking on life while in the car driving with the music blaring. i think of a ton of things to blog about in the car but they never make it back with me to the computer.

7) when i see a stranger in the car next to me bobbing to music i turn on the radio and try to find the radio station they're listening to.

8) i'm one of those people that take the exit lane (or any open lane for that matter) as far as i can before merging back into traffic during rush hour.

9) i secretly want to learn to dance but would never make it for fear of looking like an idiot during the transition from non-dancer to dancer. and even if i did buck up and learn to dance i would never actually go to a club and actually dance.

10) i'm terribly forgetful.

11) i hate those drivers that speed up really fast at the start of a green light just to beat me when I'm not even racing them....and then slow down. i'm one of those drivers.

12) i use the word "serious" way to often. "seriously?" "are you serious?" "no, serious?" "seriously!" "come on, serious?" "seriously now....really...come on...for serious."

13) i forget my closest friends' birthdays and anniversaries but remember other people's birthdays whom i'm not especially close to.

14) i've made it a very deliberate habit of mine to turn my turn signal on before i hit my brakes to start turning. it really drives me nuts when drivers start slowing down and give absolutely no indication to the person behind them, why in the world they are slowing down.

15) i refuse to turn into an old lady that thinks "kids nowadays are just so terrible! when i was a kid...." i want to be a cool old lady that continues to enjoy new things.

16) i like to play DDR. my sister got me into it. and as if that wasn't dorky enough by itself; i like to do it for exercise on "workout" mode.

17) i like to eat saltines crackers with butter on them. i love potatoes - pretty much any form. fried, baked, it doesn't matter. i could live off potatoes. when i was little I used to make peanut butter and sugar sandwiches.

kitty almond roca

a couple posts ago I mentioned how I loved my dogs. it's true. I really do. but I don't love that they love kitty almond roca! i.e. poop that's been carefully buried by it's owner in the litter box. it's not meant to be touched after that; especially by a dog's mouth! Yeuukkk!

Click on the picture below to make some yourself!

contact

piggy backing on my other post today, crash - and because we get to go see him at a club in Portland November 3rd!

You're walking down the street
You've got this white Chevy Lumina undercover
Checking you to see
They're checking your I.D.
'Cause it's a fine time
It's a fine time
It's a fine time
Say just to run a name
'Cause you look the same
As the dude with the rebel in his veins
But while you're checking me
You've got them crooked politicians
Eating up the treasury
And taking our cash
To spend on the prisons
While the youth they fast
Now I'm waiting on the day
When we can all bring
Like Martin Luther King
This is why I sing

I want some contact contact
Contact contact
Only because my life depends on it
~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

crash

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.~Graham

as humans, we crave personal relationship. we were created to experience personal relationship in it's fullest and most wonderful capacity - then something went horribly wrong. since we can't get it the way God intended, we grapple, scratch, and grasp for it, eventually attaining only a semblance of the real thing.

i watched this movie about a month ago. i haven't been able stop thinking about it since. it's such a great movie. very moving - thought provoking. it's one I will add to my very small, very selective collection of DVDs.


listen to the soundtrack.
check out the film website.

dogs

oh a dog's life. *sigh*



aside from the occasional pesky flee, how nice would it be to have such a carefree and worry free existence....hmmm.

I see this picture and I so love my dogs - and I so need a vacation! This is where I'm at right now.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like storms to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
~Jennifer Knapp - Kansas